On October 22, 2013 I started a new chapter in my life. About 3 weeks prior to me starting a new chapter I got a phone call from my aunt asking me to move out to New York to nanny for her. As I would have usually hesitated this time something was different I knew that I needed to move. I had been feeling so stuck in Pocatello like I would just keep repeating a pattern that would have never changed. I knew this was the change that I needed. For 3 weeks I hectically packed everything into 3 boxes and 3 suitcases. It was strange looking at my room slowly turn into an unfamiliar space. Twenty-two years I spent living in Pocatello. I never moved out of my parents house. The realization that I was leaving the nest didn't hit me until I stepped out of my room the night before I was supposed to fly out. I immediately glanced back into the space and the pain hit me. I ran back into my room and fell on my bed as emotions took over. I could not stop crying. For the first time I realized I was leaving the nest and I was scared. Not just scared terrified. I felt as if I was dropped in the middle of the Forrest with nothing to direct me, no guidance, it was the first time I felt like I had no idea where I was going. I was cutting off all the strings of comfort I had attached to me. That night I tried to take in every moment that I would regret not having again. I sat on the back porch in my PJ's just staring at the beautiful mountains in the backyard. I enjoyed every moment. I know it sounds crazy but I wasn't moving 10 minuets away I was moving 1000's of miles away.
The next day I went to the store with Challis to grab some last minuet items before I headed to Salt Lake. Challis claimed he was getting items for his work party. I helped him pick some candy and gum out. Finally my journey began. Challis gave me a hug as he went to work and the parents and I went to get Kaden. from football. Kaden and I chatted and played games on the car ride down. We stopped at McDonald's to get some dinner before my flight. Kaden went out to "change his underwear" hahaha don't ask. When we got back out to the car. Kaden had stuck a present in my bag. It was all the candy Challis bought for his "work party" with a card telling me good luck. This was a little light to the dark forest I was about to step into. As I got closer to the airport I wanted to yell turn the car around. We finally reached the point of no return. I got out of the car with tears in my mothers eyes I was about to loose it. I held it in. Kaden walked me to the check in point. We had arrived a little too early as he walked away to get back in the car he told me look in your suitcase when I leave before you get on the plane. As he walked out I pulled out the most kind hearted good luck card I have ever seen. Hand drawn it said good luck big sista love you!! On the left inside it gave me 11 things that I have to do in NY ranging from good morning show to making friends. Oh and I can't leave out the request to take pics of funny people. And on the right heartfelt wishes of love and kind words I would write it out but I don't want him to get mad. Lets just say when I started reading it I started to cry and had to walk to the bathroom so people didn't see me cry my eyes out. Also every time I read it so to spare my tears shorting out my keyboard lets just remember it is amazing.
There is one request he left me though in big bold letters that I am having the hardest time with. BE YOURSELF. I think this has always been the hardest thing for me ever since I was at least 12 years old I have had the biggest trouble with self confidence and loving and being who I am. I am coming to realize that I have to love myself because my doubts and negativity about myself can be visible to those around me. I know that this move to New York is teaching me to grow up and become independent and find ways to love myself. I will tell you tears are shed all the time trying to figure out what I have done wrong to have such low self confidence but I am beginning to learn that a love for myself is the only way to gain confidence. I am finding ways to love me for me and finding aspects of myself that I don't love and finding ways to love them. I think the biggest thing I have learned is that I care way too much about people and if they are disappointed in me. This causes me to second guess myself my actions and have a less appreciation for myself I have to learn that people can be disappointed in me but as long as my intentions are good and not harmful they have no reason to place disappointment upon me. Also, I choose to take offense to their suggestions and I usually do take offense instead of criticism. With time I will learn to love myself and be myself for now all I can do is progress day by day. This is not something that can happen over night. This is a step that will change me for the better. As I learn to love myself others can love me for the person I really am.
You can always change things about you but, if you don't change for the better you are wasting potential.
Have a blessed day and thanks for reading. :)
