You never plan the unexpected

    What do you want to be when you grow up? Well, if you want to be that you have to work hard. If you work hard you will get what you want out of life.

    Growing up we all probably heard this, and my oh my did we ever think they were right? I did, I believed every last word. I believed that what I wanted to be was what I was going to become. I had a dream and no one could take that away or so I thought.

     At 12 my dream was to be a successful dentist. I was going to marry after I obtained my 4 year degree. Have 4 kids by the time I was 32. To remain in Pocatello until I got into school. Yet, something happened. I hit a glass wall.
 
   I didn't understand why was this wall here? I did everything right. I went to college focused on  working hard to get myself through school. I started my own cleaning business at 16. I worked 3-4 jobs a semester while going to school full time. I was not a perfect student because I never had time. Friends, family, school, work, some rare occasions boyfriends. There was never enough time. This wall was not part of the plan. I was so angry upset. Now, I believe fate ran its course.

   There was never a doubt in my mind on a career change. I was going to be a dentist and that was that. At least, I thought that was that. Once I got in my 4th year of college I started doubting myself and I could not figure out why. Deep down I knew but I never wanted to admit it. I had been living on this 12 year old dream of mine. The more I told people the more it became a Scarlet Letter to me.

 "Oh this is my daughter Desi she is going to be a dentist"
 "I heard you want to be a dentist"
"My friend is going to be a dentist"
"You still planning on going to dental school?"

  It was my identity. I never knew it was a cover up.
 
   My favorite professor told me take a break between graduation and my next step in life. He told me self revelation is incredible and everyone needs it. Plus we all need a break. For my year off I was planning on working in Poky, going about with my house cleaning and T.J. Maxx and applying for dental school. Unexpectedly my plans changed. Within 2 weeks, I went from going about my daily duties to packing up everything I owned to move to New York.

  Moving to New York was never part of the plan. I graduated I wasn't married. Where was my life heading? Maybe I will me a husband in New York... can we just take a moment of silence... ya that never happened. As you know I am still single as can be.  Anyway back to New York. In a matter of 2 weeks my life changed I didn't know why and it was in a way frustrating. I knew as I went along I would figure it out.

  Moving to New York was so hard for me. I had no friends (well I had Ben and Andrea who were amazing and helped me out so much). It was the first time I ever had to start over. It was a culture shock. People were so mean. I got stopped on the streets by weird people all the time asking me for money. I was scared. I was not at home and it terrified me. I was depressed. I was lost. I was so lost and it scared me. I felt the most alone I had ever felt. I was in a black box surrounded by this world I didn't  belong to waiting for something to get me out. With time I started to break out but it wasn't until I discovered my own personal Scarlet Letter.

  I studied I worked hard to get into dental school. My plans didn't work out. I was so frustrated. What could I have done differently? I don't have another plan this is all I want to do. Why was this happening to me? I am not naturally smart I have to work hard. Everyday I feel like I have to work harder than most because school is not easy for me. Why do things come so easy to others yet for me they just don't work out?

  I could not stop asking why why why. One night I feel to my knees begging Heavenly Father for answers to my whys when I realized I was wrong. I remember a lesson a seminary teacher gave one time it is not about asking why it is about asking what can I do next? Why is complaining, what is taking a step forward in asking for help. So that is what I did I asked what can I do next?

 I started thinking and looking into different programs and it hit me. Dental was something that interested me but it was something people were just expecting from me so I went along with it. It was expected it was my badge, soon to be dentist Scarlet Letter. I knew I wanted to do something else but I was so afraid of disappointing everyone that I could not admit it. I realized I wanted a different path and it was time to start taking action.

  I have made my first step in progressing to become a Radiology Assistant or a Physician Assistant. I don't know where my life will guide me in getting to that point, but I know right now I feel at peace with my decision.  I was not guided here by accident. I don't know why I am in Atlanta right now but I know God has a perfect plan for me as long as I put my trust in him and do all I can to become more like him I will go exactly where I need to.

  Next time we go to ask a kid what they want to be when they grow up why don't we ask what do you want out of life when you grow up? Remember work hard to succeed in what will make you the happiest. Life is never what you expect. Some people do grow up and become exactly what you want but I don't think it is ever what they plan it out to be. We have to stop planning our lives to be perfect and start making ourselves more perfect in God's eyes and he will make our plan perfect.

  We all should want to be one thing when we grow up and that is happy. To find joy in life is when you know you have done things right.

  As a good man once said "life is like a box of chocolates you never know what you're going to get" Forrest Gump.


 

A peaceful Concrete Jungle?

Sirens, yelling, talking, changing lights, honking, walking the streets of New York I notice the city really never stops. Everyone has a different ending point to their journey. Whether it be their journey home, to work,  or their journey through life. As I look at the busy individuals who pass me usually with little recognition that I, as well, am passing them, I notice assurance in most of their faces. They know where they are going. The city scares me in a way when I look at my own life and think I really don't know where I am going. I wonder how they got to where they are now? Did they know that one day they would be working the job they now obtain? Did they ever feel lost on their journey to finding themselves and the job they wanted? Are they still lost and wandering in this busy concrete jungle, as lost as I?

 A concrete jungle, I was always confused on this reference but it makes since you got all different species of people living in one small city in skyscrapers. When I think of a jungle I think of all different types of animals that roam the wilderness during the day and those nocturnal animals that own the jungle at night. This is the city that never sleeps. Or in other words the jungle that never sleeps. I feel like I am an animal that got dropped in the wrong habitat that needs to fight for survival of this new habitat I roam. I am pushed out of my comfort zone. The jungle makes me feel lost but I feel like I am on the right way to finding a habitat I can survive in and be happy. In this jungle I have to find my peace. 

 I often look for moments of silence in the city. It is very rare you don't hear construction or an impatient taxi driver who can't wait that extra second. It is hard to find solitude here. The other day though when my friend came to visit a giant snow storm hit the city. The news casters warned the city to stay inside but, being the rebellious souls we are we went out. We were walking down the street snow falling and I heard a sound I have not heard here before. Complete peaceful silence. The amazement rushed over me I was so thrilled I glanced at the sky and at the road and noticed a beautiful white layer covering the dirty bits of the city up. Like a warm blanket saying to the city, breathe, sleep, and be still. I could not figure out why this thought had been on my mind so long but today I figured that this thought of peace is a little bit of happiness and I will obtain it someday. 

I imagine when I decide what career path I want to peruse that I will find peace. It will be like a beautiful peaceful moment. I know my heart will have a moment of silence rather than panic beating or sad disappointment. With the a white blanket covering me saying breathe, sleep, be still. I know that this is not a perfect ending once I make the career choice but I also know that I will feel better and I will be one of those people passing by a lost individual who wonders the same about my assurance of my path. 

I still have a lot to figure out but here I hope to find my missing map with my next direction.