I have decided no one can make you happy but yourself. As much as I try to deny that people can't make you happy they can only add to your happiness, I can't deny the truth. Until we are happy with ourselves, others can't add to our happiness. My biggest struggle in life has been trying to be happy with myself. I have a problem with being happy with who I am. Confidence is a struggle for me. I hate more than anything that this is my struggle. I have so much to be grateful for. I am not disappointed in the life I have been given. I have a great life. I just need to start loving myself and my situation.
Sometimes I worry about others too much and their standard they hold for me. I feel as if I can never reach the standard they have for me which causes me just to be more disappointed in myself. This kills my confidence and my happiness. I hope one day I can live up to my own standard and not others because for now my happiness is not there. I hope one day I can see what others see in my potential. For now I will do my best to find my happiness. One day I hope I can see what others say they can see in me. One day I hope I can gain confidence. I hope I can realize my full potential. I hope that I will not disappoint others and most importantly myself.
Saturday, March 14, 2015
Friday, April 18, 2014
You never plan the unexpected
What do you want to be when you grow up? Well, if you want to be that you have to work hard. If you work hard you will get what you want out of life.
Growing up we all probably heard this, and my oh my did we ever think they were right? I did, I believed every last word. I believed that what I wanted to be was what I was going to become. I had a dream and no one could take that away or so I thought.
At 12 my dream was to be a successful dentist. I was going to marry after I obtained my 4 year degree. Have 4 kids by the time I was 32. To remain in Pocatello until I got into school. Yet, something happened. I hit a glass wall.
I didn't understand why was this wall here? I did everything right. I went to college focused on working hard to get myself through school. I started my own cleaning business at 16. I worked 3-4 jobs a semester while going to school full time. I was not a perfect student because I never had time. Friends, family, school, work, some rare occasions boyfriends. There was never enough time. This wall was not part of the plan. I was so angry upset. Now, I believe fate ran its course.
There was never a doubt in my mind on a career change. I was going to be a dentist and that was that. At least, I thought that was that. Once I got in my 4th year of college I started doubting myself and I could not figure out why. Deep down I knew but I never wanted to admit it. I had been living on this 12 year old dream of mine. The more I told people the more it became a Scarlet Letter to me.
"Oh this is my daughter Desi she is going to be a dentist"
"I heard you want to be a dentist"
"My friend is going to be a dentist"
"You still planning on going to dental school?"
It was my identity. I never knew it was a cover up.
My favorite professor told me take a break between graduation and my next step in life. He told me self revelation is incredible and everyone needs it. Plus we all need a break. For my year off I was planning on working in Poky, going about with my house cleaning and T.J. Maxx and applying for dental school. Unexpectedly my plans changed. Within 2 weeks, I went from going about my daily duties to packing up everything I owned to move to New York.
Moving to New York was never part of the plan. I graduated I wasn't married. Where was my life heading? Maybe I will me a husband in New York... can we just take a moment of silence... ya that never happened. As you know I am still single as can be. Anyway back to New York. In a matter of 2 weeks my life changed I didn't know why and it was in a way frustrating. I knew as I went along I would figure it out.
Moving to New York was so hard for me. I had no friends (well I had Ben and Andrea who were amazing and helped me out so much). It was the first time I ever had to start over. It was a culture shock. People were so mean. I got stopped on the streets by weird people all the time asking me for money. I was scared. I was not at home and it terrified me. I was depressed. I was lost. I was so lost and it scared me. I felt the most alone I had ever felt. I was in a black box surrounded by this world I didn't belong to waiting for something to get me out. With time I started to break out but it wasn't until I discovered my own personal Scarlet Letter.
I studied I worked hard to get into dental school. My plans didn't work out. I was so frustrated. What could I have done differently? I don't have another plan this is all I want to do. Why was this happening to me? I am not naturally smart I have to work hard. Everyday I feel like I have to work harder than most because school is not easy for me. Why do things come so easy to others yet for me they just don't work out?
I could not stop asking why why why. One night I feel to my knees begging Heavenly Father for answers to my whys when I realized I was wrong. I remember a lesson a seminary teacher gave one time it is not about asking why it is about asking what can I do next? Why is complaining, what is taking a step forward in asking for help. So that is what I did I asked what can I do next?
I started thinking and looking into different programs and it hit me. Dental was something that interested me but it was something people were just expecting from me so I went along with it. It was expected it was my badge, soon to be dentist Scarlet Letter. I knew I wanted to do something else but I was so afraid of disappointing everyone that I could not admit it. I realized I wanted a different path and it was time to start taking action.
I have made my first step in progressing to become a Radiology Assistant or a Physician Assistant. I don't know where my life will guide me in getting to that point, but I know right now I feel at peace with my decision. I was not guided here by accident. I don't know why I am in Atlanta right now but I know God has a perfect plan for me as long as I put my trust in him and do all I can to become more like him I will go exactly where I need to.
Next time we go to ask a kid what they want to be when they grow up why don't we ask what do you want out of life when you grow up? Remember work hard to succeed in what will make you the happiest. Life is never what you expect. Some people do grow up and become exactly what you want but I don't think it is ever what they plan it out to be. We have to stop planning our lives to be perfect and start making ourselves more perfect in God's eyes and he will make our plan perfect.
We all should want to be one thing when we grow up and that is happy. To find joy in life is when you know you have done things right.
As a good man once said "life is like a box of chocolates you never know what you're going to get" Forrest Gump.
Growing up we all probably heard this, and my oh my did we ever think they were right? I did, I believed every last word. I believed that what I wanted to be was what I was going to become. I had a dream and no one could take that away or so I thought.
At 12 my dream was to be a successful dentist. I was going to marry after I obtained my 4 year degree. Have 4 kids by the time I was 32. To remain in Pocatello until I got into school. Yet, something happened. I hit a glass wall.
I didn't understand why was this wall here? I did everything right. I went to college focused on working hard to get myself through school. I started my own cleaning business at 16. I worked 3-4 jobs a semester while going to school full time. I was not a perfect student because I never had time. Friends, family, school, work, some rare occasions boyfriends. There was never enough time. This wall was not part of the plan. I was so angry upset. Now, I believe fate ran its course.
There was never a doubt in my mind on a career change. I was going to be a dentist and that was that. At least, I thought that was that. Once I got in my 4th year of college I started doubting myself and I could not figure out why. Deep down I knew but I never wanted to admit it. I had been living on this 12 year old dream of mine. The more I told people the more it became a Scarlet Letter to me.
"Oh this is my daughter Desi she is going to be a dentist"
"I heard you want to be a dentist"
"My friend is going to be a dentist"
"You still planning on going to dental school?"
It was my identity. I never knew it was a cover up.
My favorite professor told me take a break between graduation and my next step in life. He told me self revelation is incredible and everyone needs it. Plus we all need a break. For my year off I was planning on working in Poky, going about with my house cleaning and T.J. Maxx and applying for dental school. Unexpectedly my plans changed. Within 2 weeks, I went from going about my daily duties to packing up everything I owned to move to New York.
Moving to New York was never part of the plan. I graduated I wasn't married. Where was my life heading? Maybe I will me a husband in New York... can we just take a moment of silence... ya that never happened. As you know I am still single as can be. Anyway back to New York. In a matter of 2 weeks my life changed I didn't know why and it was in a way frustrating. I knew as I went along I would figure it out.
Moving to New York was so hard for me. I had no friends (well I had Ben and Andrea who were amazing and helped me out so much). It was the first time I ever had to start over. It was a culture shock. People were so mean. I got stopped on the streets by weird people all the time asking me for money. I was scared. I was not at home and it terrified me. I was depressed. I was lost. I was so lost and it scared me. I felt the most alone I had ever felt. I was in a black box surrounded by this world I didn't belong to waiting for something to get me out. With time I started to break out but it wasn't until I discovered my own personal Scarlet Letter.
I studied I worked hard to get into dental school. My plans didn't work out. I was so frustrated. What could I have done differently? I don't have another plan this is all I want to do. Why was this happening to me? I am not naturally smart I have to work hard. Everyday I feel like I have to work harder than most because school is not easy for me. Why do things come so easy to others yet for me they just don't work out?
I could not stop asking why why why. One night I feel to my knees begging Heavenly Father for answers to my whys when I realized I was wrong. I remember a lesson a seminary teacher gave one time it is not about asking why it is about asking what can I do next? Why is complaining, what is taking a step forward in asking for help. So that is what I did I asked what can I do next?
I started thinking and looking into different programs and it hit me. Dental was something that interested me but it was something people were just expecting from me so I went along with it. It was expected it was my badge, soon to be dentist Scarlet Letter. I knew I wanted to do something else but I was so afraid of disappointing everyone that I could not admit it. I realized I wanted a different path and it was time to start taking action.
I have made my first step in progressing to become a Radiology Assistant or a Physician Assistant. I don't know where my life will guide me in getting to that point, but I know right now I feel at peace with my decision. I was not guided here by accident. I don't know why I am in Atlanta right now but I know God has a perfect plan for me as long as I put my trust in him and do all I can to become more like him I will go exactly where I need to.
Next time we go to ask a kid what they want to be when they grow up why don't we ask what do you want out of life when you grow up? Remember work hard to succeed in what will make you the happiest. Life is never what you expect. Some people do grow up and become exactly what you want but I don't think it is ever what they plan it out to be. We have to stop planning our lives to be perfect and start making ourselves more perfect in God's eyes and he will make our plan perfect.
We all should want to be one thing when we grow up and that is happy. To find joy in life is when you know you have done things right.
As a good man once said "life is like a box of chocolates you never know what you're going to get" Forrest Gump.
Sunday, January 12, 2014
A peaceful Concrete Jungle?
Sirens, yelling, talking, changing lights, honking, walking the streets of New York I notice the city really never stops. Everyone has a different ending point to their journey. Whether it be their journey home, to work, or their journey through life. As I look at the busy individuals who pass me usually with little recognition that I, as well, am passing them, I notice assurance in most of their faces. They know where they are going. The city scares me in a way when I look at my own life and think I really don't know where I am going. I wonder how they got to where they are now? Did they know that one day they would be working the job they now obtain? Did they ever feel lost on their journey to finding themselves and the job they wanted? Are they still lost and wandering in this busy concrete jungle, as lost as I?
A concrete jungle, I was always confused on this reference but it makes since you got all different species of people living in one small city in skyscrapers. When I think of a jungle I think of all different types of animals that roam the wilderness during the day and those nocturnal animals that own the jungle at night. This is the city that never sleeps. Or in other words the jungle that never sleeps. I feel like I am an animal that got dropped in the wrong habitat that needs to fight for survival of this new habitat I roam. I am pushed out of my comfort zone. The jungle makes me feel lost but I feel like I am on the right way to finding a habitat I can survive in and be happy. In this jungle I have to find my peace.
I often look for moments of silence in the city. It is very rare you don't hear construction or an impatient taxi driver who can't wait that extra second. It is hard to find solitude here. The other day though when my friend came to visit a giant snow storm hit the city. The news casters warned the city to stay inside but, being the rebellious souls we are we went out. We were walking down the street snow falling and I heard a sound I have not heard here before. Complete peaceful silence. The amazement rushed over me I was so thrilled I glanced at the sky and at the road and noticed a beautiful white layer covering the dirty bits of the city up. Like a warm blanket saying to the city, breathe, sleep, and be still. I could not figure out why this thought had been on my mind so long but today I figured that this thought of peace is a little bit of happiness and I will obtain it someday.
I imagine when I decide what career path I want to peruse that I will find peace. It will be like a beautiful peaceful moment. I know my heart will have a moment of silence rather than panic beating or sad disappointment. With the a white blanket covering me saying breathe, sleep, be still. I know that this is not a perfect ending once I make the career choice but I also know that I will feel better and I will be one of those people passing by a lost individual who wonders the same about my assurance of my path.
I still have a lot to figure out but here I hope to find my missing map with my next direction.
Friday, December 6, 2013
Moving on... New York Style
On October 22, 2013 I started a new chapter in my life. About 3 weeks prior to me starting a new chapter I got a phone call from my aunt asking me to move out to New York to nanny for her. As I would have usually hesitated this time something was different I knew that I needed to move. I had been feeling so stuck in Pocatello like I would just keep repeating a pattern that would have never changed. I knew this was the change that I needed. For 3 weeks I hectically packed everything into 3 boxes and 3 suitcases. It was strange looking at my room slowly turn into an unfamiliar space. Twenty-two years I spent living in Pocatello. I never moved out of my parents house. The realization that I was leaving the nest didn't hit me until I stepped out of my room the night before I was supposed to fly out. I immediately glanced back into the space and the pain hit me. I ran back into my room and fell on my bed as emotions took over. I could not stop crying. For the first time I realized I was leaving the nest and I was scared. Not just scared terrified. I felt as if I was dropped in the middle of the Forrest with nothing to direct me, no guidance, it was the first time I felt like I had no idea where I was going. I was cutting off all the strings of comfort I had attached to me. That night I tried to take in every moment that I would regret not having again. I sat on the back porch in my PJ's just staring at the beautiful mountains in the backyard. I enjoyed every moment. I know it sounds crazy but I wasn't moving 10 minuets away I was moving 1000's of miles away.
The next day I went to the store with Challis to grab some last minuet items before I headed to Salt Lake. Challis claimed he was getting items for his work party. I helped him pick some candy and gum out. Finally my journey began. Challis gave me a hug as he went to work and the parents and I went to get Kaden. from football. Kaden and I chatted and played games on the car ride down. We stopped at McDonald's to get some dinner before my flight. Kaden went out to "change his underwear" hahaha don't ask. When we got back out to the car. Kaden had stuck a present in my bag. It was all the candy Challis bought for his "work party" with a card telling me good luck. This was a little light to the dark forest I was about to step into. As I got closer to the airport I wanted to yell turn the car around. We finally reached the point of no return. I got out of the car with tears in my mothers eyes I was about to loose it. I held it in. Kaden walked me to the check in point. We had arrived a little too early as he walked away to get back in the car he told me look in your suitcase when I leave before you get on the plane. As he walked out I pulled out the most kind hearted good luck card I have ever seen. Hand drawn it said good luck big sista love you!! On the left inside it gave me 11 things that I have to do in NY ranging from good morning show to making friends. Oh and I can't leave out the request to take pics of funny people. And on the right heartfelt wishes of love and kind words I would write it out but I don't want him to get mad. Lets just say when I started reading it I started to cry and had to walk to the bathroom so people didn't see me cry my eyes out. Also every time I read it so to spare my tears shorting out my keyboard lets just remember it is amazing.
There is one request he left me though in big bold letters that I am having the hardest time with. BE YOURSELF. I think this has always been the hardest thing for me ever since I was at least 12 years old I have had the biggest trouble with self confidence and loving and being who I am. I am coming to realize that I have to love myself because my doubts and negativity about myself can be visible to those around me. I know that this move to New York is teaching me to grow up and become independent and find ways to love myself. I will tell you tears are shed all the time trying to figure out what I have done wrong to have such low self confidence but I am beginning to learn that a love for myself is the only way to gain confidence. I am finding ways to love me for me and finding aspects of myself that I don't love and finding ways to love them. I think the biggest thing I have learned is that I care way too much about people and if they are disappointed in me. This causes me to second guess myself my actions and have a less appreciation for myself I have to learn that people can be disappointed in me but as long as my intentions are good and not harmful they have no reason to place disappointment upon me. Also, I choose to take offense to their suggestions and I usually do take offense instead of criticism. With time I will learn to love myself and be myself for now all I can do is progress day by day. This is not something that can happen over night. This is a step that will change me for the better. As I learn to love myself others can love me for the person I really am.
You can always change things about you but, if you don't change for the better you are wasting potential.
Have a blessed day and thanks for reading. :)
The next day I went to the store with Challis to grab some last minuet items before I headed to Salt Lake. Challis claimed he was getting items for his work party. I helped him pick some candy and gum out. Finally my journey began. Challis gave me a hug as he went to work and the parents and I went to get Kaden. from football. Kaden and I chatted and played games on the car ride down. We stopped at McDonald's to get some dinner before my flight. Kaden went out to "change his underwear" hahaha don't ask. When we got back out to the car. Kaden had stuck a present in my bag. It was all the candy Challis bought for his "work party" with a card telling me good luck. This was a little light to the dark forest I was about to step into. As I got closer to the airport I wanted to yell turn the car around. We finally reached the point of no return. I got out of the car with tears in my mothers eyes I was about to loose it. I held it in. Kaden walked me to the check in point. We had arrived a little too early as he walked away to get back in the car he told me look in your suitcase when I leave before you get on the plane. As he walked out I pulled out the most kind hearted good luck card I have ever seen. Hand drawn it said good luck big sista love you!! On the left inside it gave me 11 things that I have to do in NY ranging from good morning show to making friends. Oh and I can't leave out the request to take pics of funny people. And on the right heartfelt wishes of love and kind words I would write it out but I don't want him to get mad. Lets just say when I started reading it I started to cry and had to walk to the bathroom so people didn't see me cry my eyes out. Also every time I read it so to spare my tears shorting out my keyboard lets just remember it is amazing.
There is one request he left me though in big bold letters that I am having the hardest time with. BE YOURSELF. I think this has always been the hardest thing for me ever since I was at least 12 years old I have had the biggest trouble with self confidence and loving and being who I am. I am coming to realize that I have to love myself because my doubts and negativity about myself can be visible to those around me. I know that this move to New York is teaching me to grow up and become independent and find ways to love myself. I will tell you tears are shed all the time trying to figure out what I have done wrong to have such low self confidence but I am beginning to learn that a love for myself is the only way to gain confidence. I am finding ways to love me for me and finding aspects of myself that I don't love and finding ways to love them. I think the biggest thing I have learned is that I care way too much about people and if they are disappointed in me. This causes me to second guess myself my actions and have a less appreciation for myself I have to learn that people can be disappointed in me but as long as my intentions are good and not harmful they have no reason to place disappointment upon me. Also, I choose to take offense to their suggestions and I usually do take offense instead of criticism. With time I will learn to love myself and be myself for now all I can do is progress day by day. This is not something that can happen over night. This is a step that will change me for the better. As I learn to love myself others can love me for the person I really am.
You can always change things about you but, if you don't change for the better you are wasting potential.
Have a blessed day and thanks for reading. :)
Friday, June 21, 2013
Day 3 of my Asian journey
Day 3
Today was an interesting day I slept for sooooo long. Grandma and I decided to have breakfast at Denny's. She had scrambled eggs and Toast and I had French toast. I love the service her everyone is so kind and everything is so well thought out to get your server you ring an electronic bell and your server comes exactly when you are ready. Doors are automatic but you push a button so it doesn't waste energy. Since we only had 2 1/2 hours til Kaleb's graduation we decided not to explore and just try and use the subways to get to the graduation. Kumiko told us where it so we just had to figure out the train route so we asked the lady at the front desk. Here is some foreshadowing this was like walking to a desert mirage. After we decided to go to Kaleb's graduation the lady told us the wrong train so we had to walk 45 min to the Prince hotel. We took a wrong turn and ended up in a private driveway. After finding a man on the street that spoke English he told us it was just a little ways further. Finally the desert mirage turned into an actual object no hallucinations here only some poor looking hair and sweat dripping mascara as we arrive 30 min early. I think the hardest thing is not being able to speak or read anything so I can't really get around myself at least I knew a small amount of spanish and had some help when I needed it in Guatemala. The graduation was really nice afterward they had dinner for everyone. They were serving vodka and OJ so indeed naturally I got the Vodka and OJ. Hahaha ok maybe just OJ. But I had the best orange chicken of my life. I also got a pasta that looked like it had carrots in it turns out it was fish I spit it out, however the more I spit the more came out, it would not stop coming. I looked like a vomiting gorilla. It was so improper and embarrassing hahaha oh well. But the deserts is where it was at! I sampled every desert. Haha it was delicious. We took tons and tons of pictures.Our next journey was the Tokyo temple on our way down the walk to get our cab and someone comes running at me like a lion about to attack a nice big piece of Zebra. Although I was expecting a knock to the ground he came to a halt. It was a man from Israel with a cigarette in one hand and a drink in another as he stumbled to grab my hand with the drink hand then switched to the cigarette hand. Then he decided to plop it in his mouth and the ashes are about to fall on my hand he asks "What is your name" I replied and he said his name honestly I don't know what he said his name was. The cigarette was blocking his pronunciation Next we exchanged where we were from and he said well it was so nice to meet you as he was still holding my hand as the relatives were waiting for me to end my random conversation he kissed my hand and we dismissed each other. Next we caught a taxi and went to the Tokyo temple it was small but very beautiful. I really loved it. Next we walked across to a beautiful garden across the street from the temple. It was beautiful ducks swimming in the pond. I wish we could have seen it in the morning instead of at night. I have just loved this experience it has been beautiful and so fun to get to travel with my grandma and aunt and uncles. Having a blast!
Love Desi
Sent from my iPod
Today was an interesting day I slept for sooooo long. Grandma and I decided to have breakfast at Denny's. She had scrambled eggs and Toast and I had French toast. I love the service her everyone is so kind and everything is so well thought out to get your server you ring an electronic bell and your server comes exactly when you are ready. Doors are automatic but you push a button so it doesn't waste energy. Since we only had 2 1/2 hours til Kaleb's graduation we decided not to explore and just try and use the subways to get to the graduation. Kumiko told us where it so we just had to figure out the train route so we asked the lady at the front desk. Here is some foreshadowing this was like walking to a desert mirage. After we decided to go to Kaleb's graduation the lady told us the wrong train so we had to walk 45 min to the Prince hotel. We took a wrong turn and ended up in a private driveway. After finding a man on the street that spoke English he told us it was just a little ways further. Finally the desert mirage turned into an actual object no hallucinations here only some poor looking hair and sweat dripping mascara as we arrive 30 min early. I think the hardest thing is not being able to speak or read anything so I can't really get around myself at least I knew a small amount of spanish and had some help when I needed it in Guatemala. The graduation was really nice afterward they had dinner for everyone. They were serving vodka and OJ so indeed naturally I got the Vodka and OJ. Hahaha ok maybe just OJ. But I had the best orange chicken of my life. I also got a pasta that looked like it had carrots in it turns out it was fish I spit it out, however the more I spit the more came out, it would not stop coming. I looked like a vomiting gorilla. It was so improper and embarrassing hahaha oh well. But the deserts is where it was at! I sampled every desert. Haha it was delicious. We took tons and tons of pictures.Our next journey was the Tokyo temple on our way down the walk to get our cab and someone comes running at me like a lion about to attack a nice big piece of Zebra. Although I was expecting a knock to the ground he came to a halt. It was a man from Israel with a cigarette in one hand and a drink in another as he stumbled to grab my hand with the drink hand then switched to the cigarette hand. Then he decided to plop it in his mouth and the ashes are about to fall on my hand he asks "What is your name" I replied and he said his name honestly I don't know what he said his name was. The cigarette was blocking his pronunciation Next we exchanged where we were from and he said well it was so nice to meet you as he was still holding my hand as the relatives were waiting for me to end my random conversation he kissed my hand and we dismissed each other. Next we caught a taxi and went to the Tokyo temple it was small but very beautiful. I really loved it. Next we walked across to a beautiful garden across the street from the temple. It was beautiful ducks swimming in the pond. I wish we could have seen it in the morning instead of at night. I have just loved this experience it has been beautiful and so fun to get to travel with my grandma and aunt and uncles. Having a blast!
Love Desi
Sent from my iPod
Sunday, June 9, 2013
JaPan day 1
Day 1
Today was a long day considering we left June 6th at 6 am and got to Japan June 7th at 5:30 pm. Losing a day was no fun. But when we got out of customs we met Kumiko (my uncles girlfriend). She told us we had to hurry because Kalebs boss was waiting for us at a spa and she was paying for all of us to go there. We had to run get our rail passes and ran to 2 trains the first took us to Tokyo station the next took us to the location for us to get a cab. We got in the cab and around 8 o'clock we got to the spa. Inside it was beautiful. We all had to take off our shoes to walk around inside so before you could step on the wood floor you had to take off your shoes. We then put our bags away and met Kaleb's boss. She is the one that owns the kindergarten that Kaleb teaches at I guess her husband and her have loads of money. In the spa they gave all of us a wrist band and that was the key that let us pay for everything we did in the spa. She told us to eat whatever and do whatever. After we received our wrist bands we then went to get a Komodo. Everyone has to wear one in the spa. They let you pick out your favorite color and wrap color. We then went to the dressing rooms. It was a rapid and shocking discovery to see that changing in front of people there was normal. So there were no dressing rooms just a single room. Kumiko told us we could only wear our underware under the Komodos. Although when we get to the hot springs we can't wear anything! Nothing, in the nude, bare body, all reveling!!! Can you say panic attack! After having a minor panic attack almost fainting in panic from knowing that we would have to be in the nude in a short while we moved on to eat. That is just what I needed to do before I went around showing everyone what the good Lord gave me! I needed to run a couple 1000 miles before I show my full moon to the world. So we walked out of the dressing room in or Komodos and the boss says eat whatever you want. The room was dim and the floors all hard wood. People were eating The inside of this spa was so neat they had a whole food court you just walk around decide what you want and charge it to your wrist band. I decided to have a soy pork ramen noodle dish with a side of fried roll. It was really good there was just way too much food and the rolls tasted like fish. And if you know me that is like tasting death!! I then got an ice cream cone made from one of their fruit no idea what it was called. I also tried some dried root, that was delicious and tofu. Or should I say toilet paper hahaha. That is what it tasted like to me. I promised my mom I would try some sea food so mother get your proud pants on because I had a 1/4 teaspoon of fried crab and GUESS WHAT I.... Still hate it! Sooooo gross. One day. After dinner we went to the hot pools grandma and I didn't want to offend the sweet lady who paid for us to go there it was so awkward grandma and I didn't want to even get in but you have to bath at an individual station you sit down at a mirror and rinse off! First of all who looks at themselves in a mirror naked or better yet bathes in front of one. We washed off as fast as we could then we found the hot pool with the most bubbles then we did the unthinkable we went skinny dipping in the hot pools. Hahaha this is my most awkward confession let's just say fastest towel to water transition ever! We sat there. For 5 min staring at the wall so we didn't have to see other people then we hurry and jumped out. We showered and then went back and got a full body massage. Oh my so amazing you that know me well know I hate being touched by other people, so getting a massage isn't the first thing I would do but this was amazing! So relaxing I fell asleep in the first 15 min. After the massage we walked over to get our foot calluses eaten by little fish but they closed before we got there. So we walked on rocks in hot water. Owwww talk about pain. After soaking our feet in the hot water we went out of the room changed then Kaleb's boss invited us to come to their house and see the view. Kaleb's boss lives on the 32nd floor of this amazing apartment complex although they own the he for a small 4 million dollars they still have to pay maintance fees of 1000 dollars a month. Insane to me because the apartment is a small 3 bedroom apartment the size of a middle-class home upstairs living area. It was beautiful marble floors and counter tops that you could see your reflection in an amazing grand piano with a million dollar view balcony. Yet, the house was small. This family was so kind and their son was so intelligent chinese, Japanese, and English were his fluent languages as well as his parents minus the English. The kindness of these individuals treating us to a relaxing spa day and then showing us to their home will never be forgotten. They were sooo generous. Let's just say my first day in Japan = success! Love ya all thanks for reading see you soon- Des
Today was a long day considering we left June 6th at 6 am and got to Japan June 7th at 5:30 pm. Losing a day was no fun. But when we got out of customs we met Kumiko (my uncles girlfriend). She told us we had to hurry because Kalebs boss was waiting for us at a spa and she was paying for all of us to go there. We had to run get our rail passes and ran to 2 trains the first took us to Tokyo station the next took us to the location for us to get a cab. We got in the cab and around 8 o'clock we got to the spa. Inside it was beautiful. We all had to take off our shoes to walk around inside so before you could step on the wood floor you had to take off your shoes. We then put our bags away and met Kaleb's boss. She is the one that owns the kindergarten that Kaleb teaches at I guess her husband and her have loads of money. In the spa they gave all of us a wrist band and that was the key that let us pay for everything we did in the spa. She told us to eat whatever and do whatever. After we received our wrist bands we then went to get a Komodo. Everyone has to wear one in the spa. They let you pick out your favorite color and wrap color. We then went to the dressing rooms. It was a rapid and shocking discovery to see that changing in front of people there was normal. So there were no dressing rooms just a single room. Kumiko told us we could only wear our underware under the Komodos. Although when we get to the hot springs we can't wear anything! Nothing, in the nude, bare body, all reveling!!! Can you say panic attack! After having a minor panic attack almost fainting in panic from knowing that we would have to be in the nude in a short while we moved on to eat. That is just what I needed to do before I went around showing everyone what the good Lord gave me! I needed to run a couple 1000 miles before I show my full moon to the world. So we walked out of the dressing room in or Komodos and the boss says eat whatever you want. The room was dim and the floors all hard wood. People were eating The inside of this spa was so neat they had a whole food court you just walk around decide what you want and charge it to your wrist band. I decided to have a soy pork ramen noodle dish with a side of fried roll. It was really good there was just way too much food and the rolls tasted like fish. And if you know me that is like tasting death!! I then got an ice cream cone made from one of their fruit no idea what it was called. I also tried some dried root, that was delicious and tofu. Or should I say toilet paper hahaha. That is what it tasted like to me. I promised my mom I would try some sea food so mother get your proud pants on because I had a 1/4 teaspoon of fried crab and GUESS WHAT I.... Still hate it! Sooooo gross. One day. After dinner we went to the hot pools grandma and I didn't want to offend the sweet lady who paid for us to go there it was so awkward grandma and I didn't want to even get in but you have to bath at an individual station you sit down at a mirror and rinse off! First of all who looks at themselves in a mirror naked or better yet bathes in front of one. We washed off as fast as we could then we found the hot pool with the most bubbles then we did the unthinkable we went skinny dipping in the hot pools. Hahaha this is my most awkward confession let's just say fastest towel to water transition ever! We sat there. For 5 min staring at the wall so we didn't have to see other people then we hurry and jumped out. We showered and then went back and got a full body massage. Oh my so amazing you that know me well know I hate being touched by other people, so getting a massage isn't the first thing I would do but this was amazing! So relaxing I fell asleep in the first 15 min. After the massage we walked over to get our foot calluses eaten by little fish but they closed before we got there. So we walked on rocks in hot water. Owwww talk about pain. After soaking our feet in the hot water we went out of the room changed then Kaleb's boss invited us to come to their house and see the view. Kaleb's boss lives on the 32nd floor of this amazing apartment complex although they own the he for a small 4 million dollars they still have to pay maintance fees of 1000 dollars a month. Insane to me because the apartment is a small 3 bedroom apartment the size of a middle-class home upstairs living area. It was beautiful marble floors and counter tops that you could see your reflection in an amazing grand piano with a million dollar view balcony. Yet, the house was small. This family was so kind and their son was so intelligent chinese, Japanese, and English were his fluent languages as well as his parents minus the English. The kindness of these individuals treating us to a relaxing spa day and then showing us to their home will never be forgotten. They were sooo generous. Let's just say my first day in Japan = success! Love ya all thanks for reading see you soon- Des
Day 1
Today was a long day considering we left June 6th at 6 am and got to Japan June 7th at 5:30 pm. Losing a day was no fun. But when we got out of customs we met Kumiko (my uncles girlfriend). She told us we had to hurry because Kalebs boss was waiting for us at a spa and she was paying for all of us to go there. We had to run get our rail passes and ran to 2 trains the first took us to Tokyo station the next took us to the location for us to get a cab. We got in the cab and around 8 o'clock we got to the spa. Inside it was beautiful. We all had to take off our shoes to walk around inside so before you could step on the wood floor you had to take off your shoes. We then put our bags away and met Kaleb's boss. She is the one that owns the kindergarten that Kaleb teaches at I guess her husband and her have loads of money. In the spa they gave all of us a wrist band and that was the key that let us pay for everything we did in the spa. She told us to eat whatever and do whatever. After we received our wrist bands we then went to get a Komodo. Everyone has to wear one in the spa. They let you pick out your favorite color and wrap color. We then went to the dressing rooms. It was a rapid and shocking discovery to see that changing in front of people there was normal. So there were no dressing rooms just a single room. Kumiko told us we could only wear our underware under the Komodos. Although when we get to the hot springs we can't wear anything! Nothing, in the nude, bare body, all reveling!!! Can you say panic attack! After having a minor panic attack almost fainting in panic from knowing that we would have to be in the nude in a short while we moved on to eat. That is just what I needed to do before I went around showing everyone what the good Lord gave me! I needed to run a couple 1000 miles before I show my full moon to the world. So we walked out of the dressing room in or Komodos and the boss says eat whatever you want. The room was dim and the floors all hard wood. People were eating The inside of this spa was so neat they had a whole food court you just walk around decide what you want and charge it to your wrist band. I decided to have a soy pork ramen noodle dish with a side of fried roll. It was really good there was just way too much food and the rolls tasted like fish. And if you know me that is like tasting death!! I then got an ice cream cone made from one of their fruit no idea what it was called. I also tried some dried root, that was delicious and tofu. Or should I say toilet paper hahaha. That is what it tasted like to me. I promised my mom I would try some sea food so mother get your proud pants on because I had a 1/4 teaspoon of fried crab and GUESS WHAT I.... Still hate it! Sooooo gross. One day. After dinner we went to the hot pools grandma and I didn't want to offend the sweet lady who paid for us to go there it was so awkward grandma and I didn't want to even get in but you have to bath at an individual station you sit down at a mirror and rinse off! First of all who looks at themselves in a mirror naked or better yet bathes in front of one. We washed off as fast as we could then we found the hot pool with the most bubbles then we did the unthinkable we went skinny dipping in the hot pools. Hahaha this is my most awkward confession let's just say fastest towel to water transition ever! We sat there. For 5 min staring at the wall so we didn't have to see other people then we hurry and jumped out. We showered and then went back and got a full body massage. Oh my so amazing you that know me well know I hate being touched by other people, so getting a massage isn't the first thing I would do but this was amazing! So relaxing I fell asleep in the first 15 min. After the massage we walked over to get our foot calluses eaten by little fish but they closed before we got there. So we walked on rocks in hot water. Owwww talk about pain. After soaking our feet in the hot water we went out of the room changed then Kaleb's boss invited us to come to their house and see the view. Kaleb's boss lives on the 32nd floor of this amazing apartment complex although they own the he for a small 4 million dollars they still have to pay maintance fees of 1000 dollars a month. Insane to me because the apartment is a small 3 bedroom apartment the size of a middle-class home upstairs living area. It was beautiful marble floors and counter tops that you could see your reflection in an amazing grand piano with a million dollar view balcony. Yet, the house was small. This family was so kind and their son was so intelligent chinese, Japanese, and English were his fluent languages as well as his parents minus the English. The kindness of these individuals treating us to a relaxing spa day and then showing us to their home will never be forgotten. They were sooo generous. Let's just say my first day in Japan = success! Love ya all thanks for reading see you soon- Des
Today was a long day considering we left June 6th at 6 am and got to Japan June 7th at 5:30 pm. Losing a day was no fun. But when we got out of customs we met Kumiko (my uncles girlfriend). She told us we had to hurry because Kalebs boss was waiting for us at a spa and she was paying for all of us to go there. We had to run get our rail passes and ran to 2 trains the first took us to Tokyo station the next took us to the location for us to get a cab. We got in the cab and around 8 o'clock we got to the spa. Inside it was beautiful. We all had to take off our shoes to walk around inside so before you could step on the wood floor you had to take off your shoes. We then put our bags away and met Kaleb's boss. She is the one that owns the kindergarten that Kaleb teaches at I guess her husband and her have loads of money. In the spa they gave all of us a wrist band and that was the key that let us pay for everything we did in the spa. She told us to eat whatever and do whatever. After we received our wrist bands we then went to get a Komodo. Everyone has to wear one in the spa. They let you pick out your favorite color and wrap color. We then went to the dressing rooms. It was a rapid and shocking discovery to see that changing in front of people there was normal. So there were no dressing rooms just a single room. Kumiko told us we could only wear our underware under the Komodos. Although when we get to the hot springs we can't wear anything! Nothing, in the nude, bare body, all reveling!!! Can you say panic attack! After having a minor panic attack almost fainting in panic from knowing that we would have to be in the nude in a short while we moved on to eat. That is just what I needed to do before I went around showing everyone what the good Lord gave me! I needed to run a couple 1000 miles before I show my full moon to the world. So we walked out of the dressing room in or Komodos and the boss says eat whatever you want. The room was dim and the floors all hard wood. People were eating The inside of this spa was so neat they had a whole food court you just walk around decide what you want and charge it to your wrist band. I decided to have a soy pork ramen noodle dish with a side of fried roll. It was really good there was just way too much food and the rolls tasted like fish. And if you know me that is like tasting death!! I then got an ice cream cone made from one of their fruit no idea what it was called. I also tried some dried root, that was delicious and tofu. Or should I say toilet paper hahaha. That is what it tasted like to me. I promised my mom I would try some sea food so mother get your proud pants on because I had a 1/4 teaspoon of fried crab and GUESS WHAT I.... Still hate it! Sooooo gross. One day. After dinner we went to the hot pools grandma and I didn't want to offend the sweet lady who paid for us to go there it was so awkward grandma and I didn't want to even get in but you have to bath at an individual station you sit down at a mirror and rinse off! First of all who looks at themselves in a mirror naked or better yet bathes in front of one. We washed off as fast as we could then we found the hot pool with the most bubbles then we did the unthinkable we went skinny dipping in the hot pools. Hahaha this is my most awkward confession let's just say fastest towel to water transition ever! We sat there. For 5 min staring at the wall so we didn't have to see other people then we hurry and jumped out. We showered and then went back and got a full body massage. Oh my so amazing you that know me well know I hate being touched by other people, so getting a massage isn't the first thing I would do but this was amazing! So relaxing I fell asleep in the first 15 min. After the massage we walked over to get our foot calluses eaten by little fish but they closed before we got there. So we walked on rocks in hot water. Owwww talk about pain. After soaking our feet in the hot water we went out of the room changed then Kaleb's boss invited us to come to their house and see the view. Kaleb's boss lives on the 32nd floor of this amazing apartment complex although they own the he for a small 4 million dollars they still have to pay maintance fees of 1000 dollars a month. Insane to me because the apartment is a small 3 bedroom apartment the size of a middle-class home upstairs living area. It was beautiful marble floors and counter tops that you could see your reflection in an amazing grand piano with a million dollar view balcony. Yet, the house was small. This family was so kind and their son was so intelligent chinese, Japanese, and English were his fluent languages as well as his parents minus the English. The kindness of these individuals treating us to a relaxing spa day and then showing us to their home will never be forgotten. They were sooo generous. Let's just say my first day in Japan = success! Love ya all thanks for reading see you soon- Des
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Holding it together
Luscious red, soft pink, astounding yellow, delicate petals. Petals containing a soft velvety texture. Aroma like no other. A flower beyond compare, a rose. Roses bring emotion, feeling, memories, and so much more. These beautiful flowers can show love, compassion, sorrow, just about every emotion out there. There is something amazing about this flower. It is so delicate and tender it holds beauty if handled wrong the flower will slowly loose it petals. The petals, the solo things that make this beauty exist Yet these flowers have their own way of protecting its beauty from the things that can destroy it. There is strength within this flower it is not within the petals, but within the stem. Strong, sharp, skin tearing, thorns. These thorns are protective barriers on the outside. They will keep those away that are not careful around them. This is a flower that builds walls around it so those who come within a close distance can't hurt it. Hurt the heart of the flower. If the person desiring the rose is careful it can cut thorns off the rose to get even closer cherish the beauty of the rose even more personally. Yet the beholder is not always as careful as the rose may want. Sometimes all the beholder wants is to see the flower than rid of it as it feels no connection to the beauty which it can not feel. The beholder will hurt the flower the flower can not be rebuilt or replanted to make the flower whole again. Then again is the beauty of the rose in the petals... Or is it within the rose bush itself. I believe that there is an outer beauty we can all see but the true beauty is within the rose bush itself. You see a rose bush is amazing in the damage that can be done to it. The beauty that we all see is cut off to make our affection complete. Yet, this rose bush keeps growing through the damage done unto it. It survives the hot weather the cold weather. It survives being cut down and grows back bigger and stronger.
This is how I feel like we need to be. I know we all have an outer beauty that people can see whether it be what we look like or how they perceive us. They will draw us in close they will use our beauty how they desire and they will use us for good or they will just use us and hurt us. Every rose cut off every wall broken down can be replaced with a new rose. It takes time but we can bring ourselves back to the beauty we contain inside of us. Sometimes we get weak and we don't think we will make it but we have to think of how much stronger we can be if we keep growing. Being cut down can make us stronger. Our cuts our scars make us beautiful. One day we will find someone to take care of our pain that others have caused. But there will always be people who will hurt us in life. But we will also hurt people and cut them. We just have to try and do better to be better people and watch out for those who we hurt. Maybe one day it will keep someone from hurting us. But for now lets just try to cut back our thorns that hurt others and only keep the ones that protect us from being hurt. Life is painful sometimes but if we dig our roots deep stay true and strong to who we are we can hold it all together. :) Live beautifully!!!!
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Healing wounds.
Today I was really impressed with church. It really stuck a light bulb in my head. The speakers talked about faith. When we feel like there is no hope we keep going because we have a hope a glimmer of faith that things can get better. We don't know they will get better but we can have faith we will. But if we don't exercise our faith we will never have hope that things can get better. We don't know how things work. The example that is often used is not all of us understand how lights work but we have faith that when we flip the switch that the light will turn on. But if we don't exercise the faith the light will remain off.
I realize that I have to exercise my faith. Especially now to me it feels like things are not going the way I want them to. Life is not what I had planned it to be at this moment. Life doesn't get easier but it does get better. I have learned through faith I know my Heavenly Father will guide me to a great plan that I can't see. I need to exercise my faith to find the light switch that he has provided for me. I know that there will be light to come. It may dim it may flicker it may burn out but if I give up I will not find it.
I have been close to giving up completely. But something always stopped me the hope that things will get better. How grateful I am for the knowledge of my Heavenly Father without it I know I would have gave up and I probably would have no hope that things can get better. Every time I have gone through struggles just the knowledge that there is a greater perfect Father in Heaven waiting for me to succeed. But if it was easy it wouldn't be life. In fact it would be kind of boring. I think trials help us to find commonality in our fellow society. There will be people with similar struggles we have to learn to seek to find ways to deal with our difficult times. I know my trials are small compared to those around me I know I will be facing tsunamis crashing trials in the future and these little waves are getting me prepared for what is to come.
I have often wondered if people are placed in our lives so we can see their trials and learn from them. I know we were placed in life without a mistake.
I feel like I am weak. I have been hurt. The pain is temporary yet it is real. I know it I have felt it I am living it. I have been trying to hide it but I can't. This blog is me releasing the frustration which is pounding to get out of me. I am not trying to complain because I know this is one of many trying times that will crack my heart make my tummy spin and make my appetite light.I know with time things will get easier but for now I have to bear this painful little speed bump. I know there is a lesson to learn from this. I don't know what it is yet but I faith I will learn if I keep persisting forward. Right now I will bear my pain inside and with these words but I will try to look forward and move on. I have no idea where this will lead me but I am preparing myself to move forward. Because like one of my favorite quotes states. "When one door of happiness closes another one is opened for us, but sometimes we look so long the other way that we do not see the door that has been opened for us." I will go forward.
My lovely friend Lisa gave me a beautiful spreading joy card to let me know that she is always there. This is the quote she left for me.
"Sometimes the strongest people are people who love beyond all faults, cry behind closed doors and fight battles nobody knows about."
The quote we always write to each other is "you is kind, you is smart, you is important"
I know she was placed in my life to help me through thick and thin and I am so grateful for the other people the Lord has so kindly let come into my life to better improve it. I know I will have people who will make my life difficult and not pleasant but I know I will have to be careful of who I let break down my walls so I can protect myself and protect those around me but I have to find a good happy medium so I don't keep those people out that can better my day.
The quote I came up with in church today "Tender skin cut with diamonds,washed away with salty rain. Slowly time heals the physical pain. Scars remind you of what was and how strong you CAN be."
Life gets better but it does not get easier. <3
I realize that I have to exercise my faith. Especially now to me it feels like things are not going the way I want them to. Life is not what I had planned it to be at this moment. Life doesn't get easier but it does get better. I have learned through faith I know my Heavenly Father will guide me to a great plan that I can't see. I need to exercise my faith to find the light switch that he has provided for me. I know that there will be light to come. It may dim it may flicker it may burn out but if I give up I will not find it.
I have been close to giving up completely. But something always stopped me the hope that things will get better. How grateful I am for the knowledge of my Heavenly Father without it I know I would have gave up and I probably would have no hope that things can get better. Every time I have gone through struggles just the knowledge that there is a greater perfect Father in Heaven waiting for me to succeed. But if it was easy it wouldn't be life. In fact it would be kind of boring. I think trials help us to find commonality in our fellow society. There will be people with similar struggles we have to learn to seek to find ways to deal with our difficult times. I know my trials are small compared to those around me I know I will be facing tsunamis crashing trials in the future and these little waves are getting me prepared for what is to come.
I have often wondered if people are placed in our lives so we can see their trials and learn from them. I know we were placed in life without a mistake.
I feel like I am weak. I have been hurt. The pain is temporary yet it is real. I know it I have felt it I am living it. I have been trying to hide it but I can't. This blog is me releasing the frustration which is pounding to get out of me. I am not trying to complain because I know this is one of many trying times that will crack my heart make my tummy spin and make my appetite light.I know with time things will get easier but for now I have to bear this painful little speed bump. I know there is a lesson to learn from this. I don't know what it is yet but I faith I will learn if I keep persisting forward. Right now I will bear my pain inside and with these words but I will try to look forward and move on. I have no idea where this will lead me but I am preparing myself to move forward. Because like one of my favorite quotes states. "When one door of happiness closes another one is opened for us, but sometimes we look so long the other way that we do not see the door that has been opened for us." I will go forward.
My lovely friend Lisa gave me a beautiful spreading joy card to let me know that she is always there. This is the quote she left for me.
"Sometimes the strongest people are people who love beyond all faults, cry behind closed doors and fight battles nobody knows about."
The quote we always write to each other is "you is kind, you is smart, you is important"
I know she was placed in my life to help me through thick and thin and I am so grateful for the other people the Lord has so kindly let come into my life to better improve it. I know I will have people who will make my life difficult and not pleasant but I know I will have to be careful of who I let break down my walls so I can protect myself and protect those around me but I have to find a good happy medium so I don't keep those people out that can better my day.
The quote I came up with in church today "Tender skin cut with diamonds,washed away with salty rain. Slowly time heals the physical pain. Scars remind you of what was and how strong you CAN be."
Life gets better but it does not get easier. <3
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Trying times coming ashore
It is amazing to me the human need for love for finding someone that we can completely be ourselves around without a worry or care in the world. It amazes me how on this journey we will completely give up everything forget those around us and become defensive to keep what we want to work. Although if it is real we shouldn't have to put our defenses up. We should never have to question if the one we love loves us, if not equally, more. We will put ourselves out there let them tear down our brick walls to climb over. It is when we open ourselves up let others in and then get hurt by them we build our walls thicker and stronger. Using more mortar to keep our walls together so we will not get hurt the next time. Yet, we do over and over and over again. Because once something has been broken it is hard to piece it back together the more it breaks the harder it is to put back together.
We should never feel like a piece of worthless prey. As the hawk looks for the best prize choosing which snake is the best. A bad hawk will look for the snakes put them in a pile search for the one he thinks is the best and let the others suffer as they die from the wounds that the talons cut into them. They will be hurt and give up. A good hawk will keep its eyes open looking for what he thinks is the best prey he will choose his pray wisely and get what he wants fight for what he wants and choose his prey with good intentions of feeding his soul. The difference is one wastes and the other one selectively chooses even if it means fighting for what he wants.
Every single person deserves to find that person that will knock down buildings, jump over fences, kick down doors just to be with you. There is a point when you have to realize what the difference between lust, liking physical attraction, and true love is. Sometimes we will be hurt in the process but we have to know what it is like to be hurt so we can know what it is like to be healed.
I personally do not know if one can ever truely take away that pain and those cracks but I can imagine someone can mend them and make them feel better and fill in the pain with the love they will devote to you. The pain is there to help you grow and learn. The road getting to this point is not fun. It is not a smooth road it has bumps, turns, potholes, ice, roundabouts, stop signs, yield signs, and loop de loops. The memories are not what maters but the journey getting to there is.
I believe when you can totally submerge yourself into getting to know someone have them know your vulnerabilities, your fears, your deepest secrets and know for a fact that no judgement will be forced upon you because you are all that matters is that moment when you should realize you are loved. I have never been healed with someones love. I hope one day it will happen but I know for a fact that good things will come if I am patient and hold out for someone who wants to be with me and can't live without me.
Another thing I have learned. Is you will never know someones pain unless you have experienced something similar. We can go through saying I am sorry but until we have been there all we can be is a sympathizer. Even then we can not make the experiences go away we can't make the pain go away because that is their choice to decide what they want to do from their they have a fork in the road and they have to decide which way to take. Either a dark way or a positive way. Sometimes it may feel like we are in a dark small space with no cracks of hope but we may be looking in the wrong direction. Or thinking there is no hope for us. But I believe the latter to be false. I believe there is always hope always a better way because learning from our small trials can help us overcome great trials. Because we will learn that small bumps in the road can help prepare us for those holes in the road. It can help us to grow, expand, and help others to understand that you have been there too. That their road is not to different from yours.
I know we are given choices and experiences to help us to determine what type of people we want to become. I know that we have been given these choices ever since we were wee lil lads. I know that who we are today is who we are because we made these choices. I know I have personally not made the best choices. I have had to learn from my mistakes and I have had to learn from the trials I face on a day to day basis. I am not perfect I am learning. I have pain, heartache, happiness, but I know that this is all creating me to be a better, stronger, happier me.
I hope people can realize when times get rough its not the end it may seem like it but its not. Good things are about to come ashore. Unless we are choosing bad roads on purpose. make the best choices you can and know good things will come from it. We are human we make mistakes but learning from them is what makes us better.
We should never feel like a piece of worthless prey. As the hawk looks for the best prize choosing which snake is the best. A bad hawk will look for the snakes put them in a pile search for the one he thinks is the best and let the others suffer as they die from the wounds that the talons cut into them. They will be hurt and give up. A good hawk will keep its eyes open looking for what he thinks is the best prey he will choose his pray wisely and get what he wants fight for what he wants and choose his prey with good intentions of feeding his soul. The difference is one wastes and the other one selectively chooses even if it means fighting for what he wants.
Every single person deserves to find that person that will knock down buildings, jump over fences, kick down doors just to be with you. There is a point when you have to realize what the difference between lust, liking physical attraction, and true love is. Sometimes we will be hurt in the process but we have to know what it is like to be hurt so we can know what it is like to be healed.
I personally do not know if one can ever truely take away that pain and those cracks but I can imagine someone can mend them and make them feel better and fill in the pain with the love they will devote to you. The pain is there to help you grow and learn. The road getting to this point is not fun. It is not a smooth road it has bumps, turns, potholes, ice, roundabouts, stop signs, yield signs, and loop de loops. The memories are not what maters but the journey getting to there is.
I believe when you can totally submerge yourself into getting to know someone have them know your vulnerabilities, your fears, your deepest secrets and know for a fact that no judgement will be forced upon you because you are all that matters is that moment when you should realize you are loved. I have never been healed with someones love. I hope one day it will happen but I know for a fact that good things will come if I am patient and hold out for someone who wants to be with me and can't live without me.
Another thing I have learned. Is you will never know someones pain unless you have experienced something similar. We can go through saying I am sorry but until we have been there all we can be is a sympathizer. Even then we can not make the experiences go away we can't make the pain go away because that is their choice to decide what they want to do from their they have a fork in the road and they have to decide which way to take. Either a dark way or a positive way. Sometimes it may feel like we are in a dark small space with no cracks of hope but we may be looking in the wrong direction. Or thinking there is no hope for us. But I believe the latter to be false. I believe there is always hope always a better way because learning from our small trials can help us overcome great trials. Because we will learn that small bumps in the road can help prepare us for those holes in the road. It can help us to grow, expand, and help others to understand that you have been there too. That their road is not to different from yours.
I know we are given choices and experiences to help us to determine what type of people we want to become. I know that we have been given these choices ever since we were wee lil lads. I know that who we are today is who we are because we made these choices. I know I have personally not made the best choices. I have had to learn from my mistakes and I have had to learn from the trials I face on a day to day basis. I am not perfect I am learning. I have pain, heartache, happiness, but I know that this is all creating me to be a better, stronger, happier me.
I hope people can realize when times get rough its not the end it may seem like it but its not. Good things are about to come ashore. Unless we are choosing bad roads on purpose. make the best choices you can and know good things will come from it. We are human we make mistakes but learning from them is what makes us better.
Friday, October 12, 2012
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Bubble bursting! Wave crashing! Can you do it???
Unfortunately there comes when we have to stop being a solid body of water and rise above or normal and become more than just a flat being. We have to round ourselves out. Rise above the great normal body of water become 10 feet tall and become a wave that raises so steadily, strong, a little uneasy, yet brave taking a stance of faith. We have to fight against this invisible force of gravity and defy the actual thing holding us down. Waves are a beautiful part of nature and they contain such a story. To me I feel like they are a story of my life. As I gain the courage to come out of all my little bubbles that create my own little body of ocean. There are times when I have been pushed like the earth surface pushes the ocean to cause a tsunami. Sometimes my waves are great like a tsunami and sometimes they are small. Recently I have decided that there will always be moments in life where we will be pushed. Pushed in ways that terrify us make us feel like we are thousands of feet in the air hanging from a telephone pole in our lil undies. Life is not easy but it is a growing experience.
We had a lesson in institute that makes sense. We believe if we do this one thing get over this one trial get around this big corner in our life that things will be easier. Guess what ladies and gentlemen life does not look like this L______________. Sorry that would be way to easy life looks like this O. There are problems after problems. Trials after Trials and bubble bursting experiences one after another. Recently I decided to take a leap of faith to say some stuff that had been on my mind. I thought it would make everything better make everything easier and just make me happier. Oh sweet apple pie was I wrong. I was brave and took a step that I would have never have took without a lot of thought and repetitive speech writing. haha alright not all the way. I think when you take steps like this you have to realize you are not the only one in this equation 1+1 does not equal 1 hahaha nope it equals 2. There are things you think you are just doing for 2 ppl but really you are doing it for yourself whether you know it or not. This probably was one of the biggest learning experiences I have had in a long time. I learned that I can do things and be confident and sometimes confidence is hard for me. It is way too hard. I have the confidence of the lion from the wizard of oz. Anyways confidence is something you earn by experience the more you use it the more you have it. Money may not grow on trees but confidence can grow from within you the more you water it and use it. I also learned sometimes things are not meant to work sometimes we believe that we are the rulers of our lives. Dang bang boom... this is the shots of reality I heard when my sweet moment of confidence and self assurance failed on me. Sometimes your life plan is not God's plan for you. I just need to remember his plan is the better plan even if I can't see it now; I know it will be great. :) This is hard for me to remember especially now when I are in the hardest time of my life, growing up learning the steps of life and taking paths untaken. Anyway, taking this leap of faith made me realize that I am capable of doing things that make me feel venerable. It is ok to feel that way. It is a great learning feeling. I realized that when you take a step like this there is no turning back and when you take this step and spill your guts it is ok. 30 Years down the road people are usually going to forget what you told them. And a few years down the road if things don't work the way that you wanted know that maybe it wasn't meant to be and at least now I don't have to wonder what if. I hate when i wonder what if? What if I had just spilled my guts instead of staying silent. My new philosophy, you have nothing to lose. You are strong, brave, kind, and every step you take to becoming venerable and submerging yourself in sharing your feelings help you become a better version of you. I figure if someone doesn't like me for the way I am there is no reason to be spending my time with them or wasting energy on them. At least I said what needed to be said. I know don't wonder what if. I believe I have received my answer. I am growing to be ok with that answer. Somewhere out there is someone who wants me for me. I will not change me to please others. I love me for me. I just have to be patient. Oh how hard it is to settle myself to patients. Life is good. Gods plan for me is great. In time I will be a better version of me and I will love and respect myself. I have already grown tremendously in these last few weeks. Remember God is great! Trust him. Plant a seed of faith and things will be great!!! In him I trust.
We had a lesson in institute that makes sense. We believe if we do this one thing get over this one trial get around this big corner in our life that things will be easier. Guess what ladies and gentlemen life does not look like this L______________. Sorry that would be way to easy life looks like this O. There are problems after problems. Trials after Trials and bubble bursting experiences one after another. Recently I decided to take a leap of faith to say some stuff that had been on my mind. I thought it would make everything better make everything easier and just make me happier. Oh sweet apple pie was I wrong. I was brave and took a step that I would have never have took without a lot of thought and repetitive speech writing. haha alright not all the way. I think when you take steps like this you have to realize you are not the only one in this equation 1+1 does not equal 1 hahaha nope it equals 2. There are things you think you are just doing for 2 ppl but really you are doing it for yourself whether you know it or not. This probably was one of the biggest learning experiences I have had in a long time. I learned that I can do things and be confident and sometimes confidence is hard for me. It is way too hard. I have the confidence of the lion from the wizard of oz. Anyways confidence is something you earn by experience the more you use it the more you have it. Money may not grow on trees but confidence can grow from within you the more you water it and use it. I also learned sometimes things are not meant to work sometimes we believe that we are the rulers of our lives. Dang bang boom... this is the shots of reality I heard when my sweet moment of confidence and self assurance failed on me. Sometimes your life plan is not God's plan for you. I just need to remember his plan is the better plan even if I can't see it now; I know it will be great. :) This is hard for me to remember especially now when I are in the hardest time of my life, growing up learning the steps of life and taking paths untaken. Anyway, taking this leap of faith made me realize that I am capable of doing things that make me feel venerable. It is ok to feel that way. It is a great learning feeling. I realized that when you take a step like this there is no turning back and when you take this step and spill your guts it is ok. 30 Years down the road people are usually going to forget what you told them. And a few years down the road if things don't work the way that you wanted know that maybe it wasn't meant to be and at least now I don't have to wonder what if. I hate when i wonder what if? What if I had just spilled my guts instead of staying silent. My new philosophy, you have nothing to lose. You are strong, brave, kind, and every step you take to becoming venerable and submerging yourself in sharing your feelings help you become a better version of you. I figure if someone doesn't like me for the way I am there is no reason to be spending my time with them or wasting energy on them. At least I said what needed to be said. I know don't wonder what if. I believe I have received my answer. I am growing to be ok with that answer. Somewhere out there is someone who wants me for me. I will not change me to please others. I love me for me. I just have to be patient. Oh how hard it is to settle myself to patients. Life is good. Gods plan for me is great. In time I will be a better version of me and I will love and respect myself. I have already grown tremendously in these last few weeks. Remember God is great! Trust him. Plant a seed of faith and things will be great!!! In him I trust.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Departure or not.....
Departure or not…. L
So today was our last day with the family. Last night Momma Cruz made dinner for everyone in the family. So we had Domingo his 4 kids and wife, Romos and his 2 kids and wife, Martita and her husband and Audrey, Viola and Andres and Mama Cruz. Domingo and his family weren’t there because Domingo and Papa had to go play in the band for the church. So we all ate a big lunch with Domingo his family and Papa. Let’s just say we ate a lot of food yesterday. We took family pictures with the family then we went inside and I gave them my camera so they could take their own pictures. They were so excited to have a camera. Then Martita left she told us goodbye and she started crying and you all know how I am once someone starts crying so do I, I am so weak. It is sad. It was in that moment of time I realized that it is a possibility that I could never see this family ever again. I have not thought about it really. It hit me like a fast ball to my stomach. It is amazing to me that we can meet people in our lives and get to know them be like them and never have contact with them the rest of our lives. We are so lucky that we can have the opportunity to meet people that have positive affects in our lives. But when the time comes to say goodbye it can be one of the hardest things we will have to do. I am so sad about leaving this family. They have been so good to us. They have shown me how to love strangers as family and even though we have barriers we can learn to communicate if we are open to trying new things. I will never forget this wonderful family. Leaving them probably was one of the hardest things I have done in a really long time. I am still tearing up about leaving them. There are things I have learned that I don’t know how to describe to other people. This morning Mama Cruz made us banana pancakes my favorite. They were sooooo good it was a great goodbye gift. When all my stuff was packed up and my room was empty I started crying again. Then Mama Cruz and Viola really got me. They are the ones I have spent a lot of my time with and have done so much for us selflessly. Sometimes we do things for others we may think it is selfless but we all have another underlying layer or selfishness. Here I saw true selflessness. I have learned I need to do a lot more selfless things, truly selfless things. I am so sad to leave here. I really am. I know coming here was hard for me but leaving is definitely harder.
Well we were supposed to leave at 4 or so we thought. Kate checked our flight and she thought it said we were supposed to leave at 4 well lets just say it left when we got to the airport 12:30. So now we have to wait until tomorrow morning at 7:30 to fly out. It is kind of frustrating I thought I would have a day to get ready for school and see my family but, I guess I will have to wait til Monday. L I am sad. But at least we will be going home. Now I am just sitting in the airport since 1:30 this afternoon it is 6:30 now. We don’t have any internet until we get our tickets and we can’t get our tickets until tomorrow morning. It is frustrating but oh well. There is nothing we can do. I guess we should have checked one more time last night. Ahhh. Oh well. I guess I will see you all soon. And if my journey continues passed this don’t worry I will let you all know.
Well my journey has continued. We were sitting in the airport upstairs cafeteria until this man came upstairs and told us we couldn’t stay there for the night that we had to go downstairs to stay for the night. So we are like ok we can go downstairs. Well folks let’s just say downstairs is not just downstairs it is outside the airport then downstairs. I don’t think I have ever been more frightened in my life. Walking outside Guatemala city airport (Guatemala city is not very safe) then walking down a creepy slightly dark set of stairs to the first floor. We walk inside and I feel a little better there are at least some people here. Then a family of other LDS people show up I start to feel a lot more safe. It was a nice peaceful calming experience compared to the stress day I had. So we start to talk to them grab some dinner. Then decided it was safe for some of us to sleep with such a large group so right as we fall asleep and the other family puts down their babies to bed a big ERRRRRREEEEEKKKKKK goes across the floor. Sorry folks we have to mop can you please move to this side of the room. Move again. This was our 3rd time moving all our luggage. It was ridiculous utterly ridiculous. So we get moved pull together some chairs and make a bed. Lets just say I stayed the night with a bunch of strangers in a dark cold room. Hahaha it was nice to get some sleep since we had been at the airport all day. Ahhh. But we got up at 4 went and got our tickets and checked it. Finally we got on our plane and we are on our way home. Yay!!!
Lots of love,
Desi
Watching the Lorax on the computer just thought I would share this quote with you all. “Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. Its not” -Dr. Suess
Thursday, August 23, 2012
2 emotional roller coasters. who would have thunk.
Wednesday
Today was a pretty simple day. First of all we started out by going to the dental clinic. From there we went to the school to give fluoride to all the little kids. I am so grateful for America’s school system. We think we have disgusting poor education, but it is nothing compared to the school system here. I mean absolutely nothing. To explain the situation it is like having a cardboard beat up box with holes that smells like rotting cardboard compared to a clean house with fancy furniture. It is pathetic the way the school works here. The kids go to school in a very dirty place every room we went in made me want to gag because they smelt really bad. They seriously smelt like the walls and floors were rotting and they were hot too which made the aroma of the kids bad too. We are blessed to have the schools we do and people that take care of them and actually care about our education. Although we could do better we also can do a lot worse. The education system is terrible if you don’t have money. All the brothers and sisters in this family only went to school til 7th grade. Since they didn’t have money to send their kids to school in Pana they could not receive higher than a 7th grade education. This could be one of the reasons the girls here get pregnant earlier because they don’t get a good education and they have nothing else to do. The boys go and find jobs after finishing 7th grade and the girls usually learn to work from home and do house work and find a spouse. I am so grateful that I had the opportunity to get a good education and had the opportunity to live a life and discover who I am and who I want to be before having a child. The life these boys and girls live. It is sad to me, hence why Kate wants to bring Viola and Andres to the states for school. Kates aunt and uncle will pay for them to come to the states to learn. Viola is actually 17 and her mom and dad could pay for her to go to school but they don’t want her to be like her sister and meet some guy and get pregnant. It is sad that they have to worry about that when they should be worrying about the education she can have. Thank you mom and dad for making sure that I had a good education and always encouraging me to get good grades and learn as much as possible. I think the whole theme of my experience here is be grateful for what you have because there is always someone better off than you and someone worse off than you. It is the things we have, that we need to be grateful for. These people are content with what they have and as should we. I thank my stars and have been counting my blessings because I am blessed. Oh how I am blessed. I have an amazing family, I mean amazing, good education, equal opportunities, and how lucky I am to have the life I have. The life I live is great and I am rich beyond compare. I may not have money wealth but I am wealthy in ways an outsider could never comprehend. I love all of my precious wealth’s I have, such as family and friends. Thank you all for enriching my life.
Love you,
Desi J
Thursday
Tomorrow is my last day with the family and how sad I am. I just got here it feels like I am truly cheerless to come home. I have made life time friends and family here. I am so sad. I love these people so much. They are so kind to us. Also Mama Cruz and Papa are so accommodating and always make sure we are taken care of. I don’t know how to explain myself my situation my feelings. I feel like I did the first day emotional roller coaster. I want to cry but I don’t. haha. I feel like I am standing in the middle of an empty grassy field my home to the west on the hill and this home on the east on a hill. I am stuck in the middle unable to choose the destination of where I want to be. I sit like a captivated vine behind bars and only allowed to reach so far only allowed to grow one way. In the end I know which way I will choose to go but my memories will always be a part of my growing journey. Although I am emotionally captivated I have been able to be part of an experience that so many will never experience. My experience here has been one of the most bubble bursting, humbling, amazing experiences of my life. Unless you experience something like this for yourself you will never understand. There is something about living with others strangers, learning to communicate without words, learning customs, learning a language, and learning to live a way you have never lived before. I don’t know how to explain it to anyone. But I truly grew as a person down here and I know that this is exactly where I needed to be in this time in my life. I developed as a person in ways I couldn’t at home. In our lives we are blinded by what we have what we do every day. Sometimes it is hard to think that there are other people out there. The world is so big and we are so small but we definitely need to be less selfish in our daily lives. You never really realize how blind you are tell you take the time to step out from behind the black curtain and look beyond what is right in front of you.
Sorry enough deep thinking for today. Today I did a lot more sealants this time I didn’t use the dentist chair we had to use regular chairs no water no air no nothing. Hahaha it was hard. We got 30 kids teeth sealed today. After we finished one of the supervisors came from the University of Dental School here in Guatemala to check up on the Dental students work on the sealants he took 5 random kids, 4 of the students and one of mine. Hahaha I was so nervous. I knew the job I did today wasn’t as good as the other day and he didn’t know that I was helping with the sealants he thought it was only the students doing the sealants. So he starts with the first 4 and he was so angry although I didn’t understand everything, he was talking so fast in Spanish, I could just tell he was angry and the vibe was off in the room. After the 4 he got to my patient. Turns out I had the best sealants he was just upset because I didn’t do one of the permanent teeth that I should have. Hahaha it made my day to know that I did a good job. So all in all it was a good day. Now we are just going to hang out with the family for the rest of the day.
See you all soon. J
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
My last week L Lunes y Martes,
Hola familia y mi amigas. Puede hablo espanol muy major. No mas voy a America. Usd. Es necessario por tu vamos a Guatemala por que Guatemala es mi nuevo casa. Jaja.
Ok that was a very awful attempt at my mala (bad) espanol. Hello family and friends. I am able to speak Spanish better. I will no longer be coming to America. You all need to come to Guatemala because Guatemala is my new house. Hahaha that is what that said. I am definitely getting better at the Spanish which sucks because I am leaving soon which makes me want to be here longer and learn more. It is amazing what living in a Spanish home and environment and how it can improve your ability to speak another language. I didn’t think I would ever be able to have a conversation when I first arrived here. But today I got done with work early and Jose and I had a conversation for about an hour. Even though I am slow at putting the sentences together and I don’t do it correctly I am getting better and able to communicate. And what a feeling that is! I am getting so sad to leave. L. I am trying to soak up every minute of this experience and I have not been doing my homework very well. Today was a spectacular day though! I got to work with the dentist finally!!!!! We first started by going to homes of different children learning about their brushing habits and the environment they live in. It is so sad to me to see some of these homes there is no privacy in some of them. I am so privileged and every day I have to thank my heavenly father. It is amazing the way these people live but the even more amazing thing to me is these people are happy. They don’t need everything we have to be happy they can live with just the simple necessities. (yes you may break into song here I did too! It’s the bare necessities…..). After seeing some other people’s homes we went to the school to check kid’s teeth to see which students needed sealants. Can I just say thank you mom and dad and grandparents for caring enough to make sure my teeth were taken care of? Seriously I am astonished at these children’s teeth. I have never in my life seen so many cavities. Every kid had rotting decaying teeth. These parents just don’t care and some of the teeth are permanent teeth rotting. It is so sad. I am depressed every time a child here smiles because their teeth are so bad. We got a couple of kids with permanent teeth that were able to be sealed. We went back and the dentist said seal them. She didn’t show me how just let me do it!!! It was so awesome I did about 12 sealants today all by myself! I can tell you now this is my calling. I know for a fact this is what I want to do I didn’t get bored like I do when I work with the doctors. It was so much fun. The dentist said I can come back the rest of this week and work on the sealants some more. I am so freaking excited. Hahahaha.
Yesterday Monday we worked all day didn’t really like how long the day was and plus we had this little girl that stuck something up her nose and so Craig asked me to hold her head while he was pulling it out of her nose. That was the hardest thing I have done in a long long long time. I am serious. I couldn’t do it. Her head was hot and her nose was bleeding and it stunk so bad. I couldn’t let her head move otherwise she could have got really hurt. I felt so bad. I defiantly will not be able to do something like that again. I will stick to the dentist stuff.
Well that is my last two days in a nutshell.
Lots of love,
Deserai
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Eruption!!!! Volcano day!!!
Today we woke up at 6:30 to go to the volcano at 7. We missed the launcha so we had to take another launcha to catch the launcha that we missed. It was kind of funny. I am always late and Mama Cruz was late in getting our lunch and breakfast made. It was good but not enough protein. I really am in bad need of protein and potassium. We got to San Padro and took a tuk tuk up to the hiking grounds I am so glad we did because I never would have made it up to the top of the volcano if we didn’t. hahaha We started off it wasn’t bad but once we got into the forest part it was so hard. Hahaha like I am usually a pretty good hiker but this time I was not my nose is still pretty plugged and not being able to breathe well, didn’t help either. It was one of the hardest yet one of the prettiest hikes I have ever been on. The steps going up were seriously up to my knee if not sometimes higher. It was so bad I haven’t been getting the vitamins I usually get at home both of my knees kept cramping up. It was so bad. I was a walking mess. Although let me tell you I have never felt more accomplished in my life. To get to the top it took about 3 hours and it was the most beautiful sites I have ever seen. I am so amazed by Heavenly Fathers creation of this beautiful earth. I love every moment of it!! We ate lunch on the top of the world. I am seriously amazed everyday by how beautiful it is here. Every day I am more and more amazed. I was still full from breakfast so I had a Peanut butter sandwich with honey. We taught them to do that. It was so perfect. On the way down I didn’t struggle at all we were going so fast and everyone was laughing at me on the way down. I guess I was saying really funny stuff. Hahaha I don’t know. I have just got used to them laughing at me. Hahaha. I kind of feel like I am back home except at home I feel like they are laughing with me more. J who knows? Well all in all today was a great day. Tomorrow we are taking the family to Chichi they have never been. So Kate is paying for them to go with us. It should be fun. I am excited!!!!!
Lots of love
Deserai
Friday, August 17, 2012
Zip LINEEEEEEE!!!!!!!
Hola mi familia y amigos,
Today was an awesome day we went zip lining in Pana at the Atitlan Nature Reserve. There were two zip lines you could choose from the first was the Cables Xtremos or the Ultra Cable Xtremos. We decided to do the Ultra of course. It was amazing. It was 8 zip lines long and it took over 3 hours to get through the whole course. They said this is the shortest of the 4 ultra extreme zip lines it is only 400 meters long the other ones are over 800 meters long. It was the coolest thing I have done since parasailing in Jamaica. Just saying if you ever have the chance to go zip lining in Guatemala do it!!!!! It was so beautiful they had a nature reserve and they had a mauriposol reserve in the same place so for 40$ you got to zip line and see the entire national reserve park. It was tremendously beautiful you had the lake on one side of you and the Forrest on the other side. I truly loved it. After the zip line we went to the fruit market and the market to get stuff to make French toast for dinner Sunday. Hopefully they like it. One thing I have taken for granted is American super markets oh how dearly I miss them. I can’t wait to go shopping for something and actually finding it. That will be a very exciting day. The family and us talked and laughed all night. They are so awesome. Again I got teased. Kate brought it up this time that Andres and I are in love. Viola says he is scared of me. Hahahaha oh you know I kind of have that affect on ppl. Hahahaha Andres is funny he gives you this look like he is laughing at his head at you but it is his smile but he also does it for his silent laughs so I never know if he is laughing or smiling. So every time I laugh they all laugh Mama Cruz especially and Andres just gives me his smile laugh. I wish I could describe it better but that is the best you are going to get. So you know how yesterday Mama Cruz taught us to weave well she finished today and gave me a beautiful bufanda. I love it, it is so pretty and colorful it is a scarf. Well there was not a whole lot we did today but it probably was my favorite day. Best wishes to you all.
Love desi! J
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Simple Gratitude
Thursday week 2
Today was pretty simple I woke up and was so tired I don’t think I slept well last night. I can’t remember. But we got ready and Mama Cruz had made pasta for breakfast (desayuno). It was so good but I couldn’t eat a lot I felt bad. It is hard for me to eat so many carbs I get really hot and my tummy swells. So this was a bad combination I didn’t feel fantastic after eating today. I felt awful actually. So we walked down the hill to catch the boat to Tzununa at 8:30 we are supposed to leave at 9. Craig was so late he got there about 9:30 so we got to the clinic late and also there were a ton of people. I had a lot of old ladies today with problems with pain so I did a lot of injections. There was a girl last week that we saw had a bad ear infection it looked worse today. She has no pain but it looked awful so we gave her an anti-swelling medicine. Then there were a lot of people with parasites. It was not fun at all today. I was tired and bored. Hahaha. It is just getting to be the same thing over and over. Craig is going to have me work with the dentist the last week I am here, so next week. J Oh well. Now we are just sitting at the house not really doing anything it is about 2:50. Hopefully it is a good night and I don’t get to much food again. Last night it was really hard for me to eat. She fries her broccoli and I love broccoli I just can’t take it down when it is fried. And I really don’t like her fried rice. L I feel bad but I can’t eat it. Mama Cruz taught us how to weave today. The first part was really easy after a while. The second part is so complicated. There is a rhythm that she has when she does it that is hard to pick up. It was very difficult. She is going to do more with us tomorrow. :? Hahaha. I am so impressed and grateful for the people that spend time making stuff by hand. It is so impressive it truly is an art and a talent. I am grateful that we don’t have to make our own clothing. There is so much time that is needed and patience hahaha. I don’t think I could do. How grateful I am to have the life I have. I have been thanking heavenly father everyday for all the privliges I have been given. The opportunity to be here, to have this experience, for the life I was placed into, the family I have, and the opportunity to do things equally. How sorry I am for the selfish ways I have. These people here have so little and give more than you could think of. The women very rarely get to learn from a school because they usually have to grow up fast. If you read this sit down for 5 min and give gratitude to your father in heaven for all you have because if you are reading this you have way more opportunities and others and you also are very blessed. The people here don’t have computers, don’t have good pay and they work probably 3 times as hard as we do to keep their lives afloat. They don’t realize how blessed we are and neither do we. Until you see it for yourself I don’t think you will understand. I just hope you just take a minute to give thanks for what you have. I myself have been ignorant of all my beyond countless blessings. I love you all and I am so grateful for the life I have the people that have had an impact in opening my eyes. Thank you Kaycee and Grier, Karli and Shawn, Grandma Pat, G.G and Don, Mom and Dad for making it possible for me to come here you have opened my eyes and your donations have gone farther than getting me here. I was uneasy on wanting to come and I am so glad I did. You have helped my education, the people here learning from us, your donations help buy medications for sick underprivileged children, buy milk for moms that can’t afford to feed their children, helped grandmothers with pain so they can keep working and taking care of their families, it helped the family that I am staying with we each paid them 3000 Q which is 400$ which is together is 6,000Q which is 3 times the amount they would make in a month, and so much more blessings. I hope you know the impact you had on me and others. I am so grateful. Thank you!!!! I love you all so much. See you in a week!!!
Love DESI!!!
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Start of week 2
Wednesday, Tuesday, Monday
So Monday we did a little clinical work. I worked with Carmen and then we came home and studied. Talked with the family. I like talking with them a lot more. It is getting to be where I can understand most of what they are saying and at least try to attempt to say something back. It kinda makes me want to take a Spanish class next semester. Hahaha. Nah.
Tuesday
So yesterday we had an awesome time with the family. I am starting to like it here a lot better. I have submerged myself in just trying to learn instead of getting frustrated when I don’t understand what the people are saying here. I have been finding that I am understanding a lot more I may not be able to understand everything but I am understanding bits and pieces and putting them together it has been a lot better. I am getting a lot better at understanding too. So today we went to San Pedro to do clinical work as soon as we got there Craig said “Deserai do you want to do ultrasounds?” I said yes!!!! So we went in and at first it was so difficult Maria the girl that translated from Spanish to kikichiquel ( I spell this different everyday!!!) spoke way to fast I had to tell her despasso. She was very good about being kind and trying to help me understand the words I didn’t get. So the first 7 ultrasounds she did and I filled out the paperwork and measured the estomaco (stomach). Can I just tell you what an amazing thing an ultrasound is? It is hard for me to comprehend that something so amazing can be created by two people. There is no doubt in my mind that we can do this alone. I know heavenly father has made a marvelous miracle in giving us the opportunity to reproduce. It truly is a miracle. When I saw the first ultrasound it made me think of how grateful I am for such miracles. The baby is so small yet has a heart beat, head, vertebrae, legs, eyes. It is amazing to me and that it can live inside a woman it is truly miraculous. I really loved this opportunity more than anything. I think it made me appreciate the lord and the gift he gave to us to make it possible for us to create lives. And it is a shame to see anyone take this for granted. After the 7 ultrasounds we went to lunch it was so cute mama cruz gave us fruit and tortillas. I am kinda sick of tortillas. Hahaha I like them but I need a salad sooooooooo bad and more fruit. But she is so kind to do such a selfless act for us. After lunch we went back and Maria said your turn. She is practicing English which I like because she helps me a lot. So I got to do my first ultrasound all by myself. It was kinda sad to me because the girl was only 16, but it was so amazing. It is sad most of the girls that are pregnant are younger than me without husbands. It breaks my heart. I was worrying about what I was going to do with my friends every weekend not worrying about being pregnant. How grateful I am for not having to grow up like these girls do. I got to find the heart and the head and we measured the head and counted the heart beat and showed the mama the bebe. They love seeing it on the screen. Some of them get a little emotional. I then got to do 5 more ultrasounds. It was so cool and amazing. I don’t think I could do it for a living but I am so grateful for the opportunity to that. It was such a busy day at the clinic that after we were done with the ultrasounds we had to take patients. We had 3 ppl with worms and then I had to watch Craig do a urinary exam. Not my favorite. At least I had no STD patients Kate had about 15 patients with STD’s it is so bad here. We didn’t head home til 5:30 it was so late. I couldn’t believe it. Crazy day we had over 60 patients. When we went home mama Cruz was making tortillas so we decided to try and help again. Younger Andres was laughing at us. Hahaha. It is bad. I can’t make them like mama cruz. All in all it was a good day. I keep waking up with Charlie horses in my calves though. I hate it. We definitely don’t get enough potassium or iron here.
Wednesday
Today was clinic here in Santa Cruz I had a few patients of my own. Scary!!! It is getting better. Luckily the translaters speak clearly and slowly for us. I gave two injections in the butt today. Hahahha can I just say I have seen more butts and boobs here then I ever have in my whole life. Hahahhaha after I was done with my patients Craig had me come with him. I had to watch my first Pelvic exam. Lets just say not a fan. It was difficult for me. This means I don’t think I could be an OBGYN. After we were done with the pelvic exam he had me do two more ultrasounds. That has definitely been my favorite part of this whole experience. After we were done with clinical we went to lunch which mama cruz made lunch for everyone in the clinic because it was DR. Carmens birthday. After we were done with lunch we took a boat to pana to get money (thanks momma) and stuff to make oreo truffles for the family. (They loved them). Then we came home and made the truffles. Why Kate was emailing I was talking to the family about west side story because the girl in the movie is named Maria I was trying to say east and it is just esta. So I was saying esta su estorio. Very bad spelling but I was using my hands and Jose was like no! NSEsta or esta hahahahha. I said oh my no no no es the name of the movie. Hahahahha they cracked up forever because they thought I was trying to say NSEW but really I was just saying the name of the movie with my hands. It was funny. We all laughed for a long time. Oh and yesterday mama cruz made the best choco banana ever and I said I loved them so much I was going to sneak in the room at night and eat them all and Papa said like a ratton. Which is a rodant? Hahahaha we cracked up so hard so jose and I are the rattons because we love choco bananas so much we will sneak in like rats and eat them all. So overall it is getting to be a really good experience now that I am getting adjusted. Oh and I taught the family food bebe except comida bebe they thought it was funny to be embarazado con comida bebe. Pregnant with a food bebe. I said if I was really pregnant my dad would kill me. They cracked up hard core. I love that they love laughing at me. Every time I mean every time I laugh they start laughing. I don’t know if they think I am crazy or just like laughing with me anyway. Love you all miss you and I miss American chocolate and skittles. Hahahha. Love ya
DESERAI!!!!!!!!! Or deci uno or desi!!!!!
Monday, August 13, 2012
Weekend 1 continued
Weekend 1 continued
Hey everyone. So today was pretty awesome and so last night.
So I will start with last night. So I was trying to explain to younger Andres
that the reason I can’t sleep at night. I was saying that the cats run on the
roof, the muchachos are always loud outside, they dogs fight. And I told him
the night I got so much sleep I came out to use the bathroom and there was a
cat outside my door and I scared it and it ran away. He didn’t understand my
broken spanglish. Hahaha so Kate started to explain it in better Spanish. But
when she was saying mierdo for cat poop she said mierda which is cat $h!t!
hahahahahahahhahaha so Andres face was like what in the world is she saying
desi scared the poop out of the cat. Hahahaha but really we meant she scared
it. Hahahahaha. You have to understand this family laughs everytime I laugh
because kate told them when I laugh a lot I am tired so everytime I laugh they
think I am really tired but you all know I just laugh a lot. Or they could be
laughing at me. Good thing to know…… hmmmm…..
Today we went to chichi to the market to buy stuff lots of stuff. I
probably spent 50$ and bought about 200$
worth of stuff in America it is awesome feeling for a bargain shopper. We
passed this guy begging for stuff for his son with cerebral palsy. I felt so
bad and we just bought bread for .50Q. I couldn’t pass this boy up as I walked
pass him he reached out for my bread. That feeling of guilt would not go away.
I walked back and gave him my pan. It is sad when you see ppl that really need
it. I get beggars that don’t need it. It broke my heart. I should have done
more but I already spent my money. Oh on the way to the market on of the
chicken busses went around a corner and rolled. A chicken bus is what all of
the natives ride here to go to work or what not. It was so sad. They were
pulling people up the hill as we drove past there were 10 ambulances we saw go
to the scene of the accident. Anyway after the market we came home and we
mopped our bedroom floors so viola wouldn’t have to. Then viola taught us how
to make tortillas lets just say it was an epic fail!!!! Hahaha the dough kept
sticking to my hands and I couldn’t get it to get off my hands the whole family
was laughing hysterically. Then kate dropped one and long behold I dropped one
also. Hahaha. We are not good tortilla flippers. Viola made like 6 in the time
I made one. I called her majia manos. Magic hands. My tortillas were like a
part circle and hers were perfectly round. Then for dinner which was delicious
a stew with carrots whisquelle potatoes beef (we don’t know what kind of meat
we are eating and I am not going to ask til the last day, let’s just say there
are not a lot of animals in this part of Guatemala except dogs. Hahahahahaha)
and cabbage so good. So while eating dinner I started laughing at how bad my
tortillas were then the family of course started laughing then I am like I
laugh a lot a good ab workout. Then kate said ya you know there are 3 things
that are great for burning calories laughing, (cover your childrens eyes here)
doing the naughty, (and open) and making out. And I said what the heck I have
been missing out for a while I need to go find a muchacho. Hahaha and kate and
I busted up laughing the family was laughing and then kate explained to them
out of my unapproved no’s what I had said. They all looked at me and laughed
even harder and it made me laugh and I started to cry with laughing it was so
funny they are probably like what a (and cover) crazy girl. Hahahahaha. And
they all just kept looking at me and laughing everytime they looked at me and
spoke some kikichiquel and laughed some more. Then viola goes in espanol of
course. Look desi there is your boyfriend for you right there. Haha it was an
old man walking by it was so funny. Then we laughed about that. And now the
joke here is desi needs a muchacho they don’t know what for. Hahaha and Lindsay
is giving me 5$ dollars for a kiss. Hahahaha that is funny. I don’t think I can
do it. Hahahaha. Then when talking to my mama on google plus she said ya she
needs a muchacho. Hahaha just so everyone is clear I don’t need a muchacho
right now maybe in the way far future. Hahaha but mama cruz said oh Andres is a
good fit. Hahaha he is the younger one who is only 20. So his face was so red. I
think he was as taken back like mom really you just gave me up to this American
who can barley speak and laughs uncontrollably about everything. Hahaha It was
so funny and so unexpected. Mama gave me away too only if Andres learns to
speak English. So you know guys if he learns spanish in 2 weeks I am taken. I
will marry Andres and live here forever. You can come visit me. Hahahahha.
Anyway it was a great day. All the stress was gone I miss you. Til the next
blog.
Love ya
Desi
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