On October 22, 2013 I started a new chapter in my life. About 3 weeks prior to me starting a new chapter I got a phone call from my aunt asking me to move out to New York to nanny for her. As I would have usually hesitated this time something was different I knew that I needed to move. I had been feeling so stuck in Pocatello like I would just keep repeating a pattern that would have never changed. I knew this was the change that I needed. For 3 weeks I hectically packed everything into 3 boxes and 3 suitcases. It was strange looking at my room slowly turn into an unfamiliar space. Twenty-two years I spent living in Pocatello. I never moved out of my parents house. The realization that I was leaving the nest didn't hit me until I stepped out of my room the night before I was supposed to fly out. I immediately glanced back into the space and the pain hit me. I ran back into my room and fell on my bed as emotions took over. I could not stop crying. For the first time I realized I was leaving the nest and I was scared. Not just scared terrified. I felt as if I was dropped in the middle of the Forrest with nothing to direct me, no guidance, it was the first time I felt like I had no idea where I was going. I was cutting off all the strings of comfort I had attached to me. That night I tried to take in every moment that I would regret not having again. I sat on the back porch in my PJ's just staring at the beautiful mountains in the backyard. I enjoyed every moment. I know it sounds crazy but I wasn't moving 10 minuets away I was moving 1000's of miles away.
The next day I went to the store with Challis to grab some last minuet items before I headed to Salt Lake. Challis claimed he was getting items for his work party. I helped him pick some candy and gum out. Finally my journey began. Challis gave me a hug as he went to work and the parents and I went to get Kaden. from football. Kaden and I chatted and played games on the car ride down. We stopped at McDonald's to get some dinner before my flight. Kaden went out to "change his underwear" hahaha don't ask. When we got back out to the car. Kaden had stuck a present in my bag. It was all the candy Challis bought for his "work party" with a card telling me good luck. This was a little light to the dark forest I was about to step into. As I got closer to the airport I wanted to yell turn the car around. We finally reached the point of no return. I got out of the car with tears in my mothers eyes I was about to loose it. I held it in. Kaden walked me to the check in point. We had arrived a little too early as he walked away to get back in the car he told me look in your suitcase when I leave before you get on the plane. As he walked out I pulled out the most kind hearted good luck card I have ever seen. Hand drawn it said good luck big sista love you!! On the left inside it gave me 11 things that I have to do in NY ranging from good morning show to making friends. Oh and I can't leave out the request to take pics of funny people. And on the right heartfelt wishes of love and kind words I would write it out but I don't want him to get mad. Lets just say when I started reading it I started to cry and had to walk to the bathroom so people didn't see me cry my eyes out. Also every time I read it so to spare my tears shorting out my keyboard lets just remember it is amazing.
There is one request he left me though in big bold letters that I am having the hardest time with. BE YOURSELF. I think this has always been the hardest thing for me ever since I was at least 12 years old I have had the biggest trouble with self confidence and loving and being who I am. I am coming to realize that I have to love myself because my doubts and negativity about myself can be visible to those around me. I know that this move to New York is teaching me to grow up and become independent and find ways to love myself. I will tell you tears are shed all the time trying to figure out what I have done wrong to have such low self confidence but I am beginning to learn that a love for myself is the only way to gain confidence. I am finding ways to love me for me and finding aspects of myself that I don't love and finding ways to love them. I think the biggest thing I have learned is that I care way too much about people and if they are disappointed in me. This causes me to second guess myself my actions and have a less appreciation for myself I have to learn that people can be disappointed in me but as long as my intentions are good and not harmful they have no reason to place disappointment upon me. Also, I choose to take offense to their suggestions and I usually do take offense instead of criticism. With time I will learn to love myself and be myself for now all I can do is progress day by day. This is not something that can happen over night. This is a step that will change me for the better. As I learn to love myself others can love me for the person I really am.
You can always change things about you but, if you don't change for the better you are wasting potential.
Have a blessed day and thanks for reading. :)
Friday, December 6, 2013
Friday, June 21, 2013
Day 3 of my Asian journey
Day 3
Today was an interesting day I slept for sooooo long. Grandma and I decided to have breakfast at Denny's. She had scrambled eggs and Toast and I had French toast. I love the service her everyone is so kind and everything is so well thought out to get your server you ring an electronic bell and your server comes exactly when you are ready. Doors are automatic but you push a button so it doesn't waste energy. Since we only had 2 1/2 hours til Kaleb's graduation we decided not to explore and just try and use the subways to get to the graduation. Kumiko told us where it so we just had to figure out the train route so we asked the lady at the front desk. Here is some foreshadowing this was like walking to a desert mirage. After we decided to go to Kaleb's graduation the lady told us the wrong train so we had to walk 45 min to the Prince hotel. We took a wrong turn and ended up in a private driveway. After finding a man on the street that spoke English he told us it was just a little ways further. Finally the desert mirage turned into an actual object no hallucinations here only some poor looking hair and sweat dripping mascara as we arrive 30 min early. I think the hardest thing is not being able to speak or read anything so I can't really get around myself at least I knew a small amount of spanish and had some help when I needed it in Guatemala. The graduation was really nice afterward they had dinner for everyone. They were serving vodka and OJ so indeed naturally I got the Vodka and OJ. Hahaha ok maybe just OJ. But I had the best orange chicken of my life. I also got a pasta that looked like it had carrots in it turns out it was fish I spit it out, however the more I spit the more came out, it would not stop coming. I looked like a vomiting gorilla. It was so improper and embarrassing hahaha oh well. But the deserts is where it was at! I sampled every desert. Haha it was delicious. We took tons and tons of pictures.Our next journey was the Tokyo temple on our way down the walk to get our cab and someone comes running at me like a lion about to attack a nice big piece of Zebra. Although I was expecting a knock to the ground he came to a halt. It was a man from Israel with a cigarette in one hand and a drink in another as he stumbled to grab my hand with the drink hand then switched to the cigarette hand. Then he decided to plop it in his mouth and the ashes are about to fall on my hand he asks "What is your name" I replied and he said his name honestly I don't know what he said his name was. The cigarette was blocking his pronunciation Next we exchanged where we were from and he said well it was so nice to meet you as he was still holding my hand as the relatives were waiting for me to end my random conversation he kissed my hand and we dismissed each other. Next we caught a taxi and went to the Tokyo temple it was small but very beautiful. I really loved it. Next we walked across to a beautiful garden across the street from the temple. It was beautiful ducks swimming in the pond. I wish we could have seen it in the morning instead of at night. I have just loved this experience it has been beautiful and so fun to get to travel with my grandma and aunt and uncles. Having a blast!
Love Desi
Sent from my iPod
Today was an interesting day I slept for sooooo long. Grandma and I decided to have breakfast at Denny's. She had scrambled eggs and Toast and I had French toast. I love the service her everyone is so kind and everything is so well thought out to get your server you ring an electronic bell and your server comes exactly when you are ready. Doors are automatic but you push a button so it doesn't waste energy. Since we only had 2 1/2 hours til Kaleb's graduation we decided not to explore and just try and use the subways to get to the graduation. Kumiko told us where it so we just had to figure out the train route so we asked the lady at the front desk. Here is some foreshadowing this was like walking to a desert mirage. After we decided to go to Kaleb's graduation the lady told us the wrong train so we had to walk 45 min to the Prince hotel. We took a wrong turn and ended up in a private driveway. After finding a man on the street that spoke English he told us it was just a little ways further. Finally the desert mirage turned into an actual object no hallucinations here only some poor looking hair and sweat dripping mascara as we arrive 30 min early. I think the hardest thing is not being able to speak or read anything so I can't really get around myself at least I knew a small amount of spanish and had some help when I needed it in Guatemala. The graduation was really nice afterward they had dinner for everyone. They were serving vodka and OJ so indeed naturally I got the Vodka and OJ. Hahaha ok maybe just OJ. But I had the best orange chicken of my life. I also got a pasta that looked like it had carrots in it turns out it was fish I spit it out, however the more I spit the more came out, it would not stop coming. I looked like a vomiting gorilla. It was so improper and embarrassing hahaha oh well. But the deserts is where it was at! I sampled every desert. Haha it was delicious. We took tons and tons of pictures.Our next journey was the Tokyo temple on our way down the walk to get our cab and someone comes running at me like a lion about to attack a nice big piece of Zebra. Although I was expecting a knock to the ground he came to a halt. It was a man from Israel with a cigarette in one hand and a drink in another as he stumbled to grab my hand with the drink hand then switched to the cigarette hand. Then he decided to plop it in his mouth and the ashes are about to fall on my hand he asks "What is your name" I replied and he said his name honestly I don't know what he said his name was. The cigarette was blocking his pronunciation Next we exchanged where we were from and he said well it was so nice to meet you as he was still holding my hand as the relatives were waiting for me to end my random conversation he kissed my hand and we dismissed each other. Next we caught a taxi and went to the Tokyo temple it was small but very beautiful. I really loved it. Next we walked across to a beautiful garden across the street from the temple. It was beautiful ducks swimming in the pond. I wish we could have seen it in the morning instead of at night. I have just loved this experience it has been beautiful and so fun to get to travel with my grandma and aunt and uncles. Having a blast!
Love Desi
Sent from my iPod
Sunday, June 9, 2013
JaPan day 1
Day 1
Today was a long day considering we left June 6th at 6 am and got to Japan June 7th at 5:30 pm. Losing a day was no fun. But when we got out of customs we met Kumiko (my uncles girlfriend). She told us we had to hurry because Kalebs boss was waiting for us at a spa and she was paying for all of us to go there. We had to run get our rail passes and ran to 2 trains the first took us to Tokyo station the next took us to the location for us to get a cab. We got in the cab and around 8 o'clock we got to the spa. Inside it was beautiful. We all had to take off our shoes to walk around inside so before you could step on the wood floor you had to take off your shoes. We then put our bags away and met Kaleb's boss. She is the one that owns the kindergarten that Kaleb teaches at I guess her husband and her have loads of money. In the spa they gave all of us a wrist band and that was the key that let us pay for everything we did in the spa. She told us to eat whatever and do whatever. After we received our wrist bands we then went to get a Komodo. Everyone has to wear one in the spa. They let you pick out your favorite color and wrap color. We then went to the dressing rooms. It was a rapid and shocking discovery to see that changing in front of people there was normal. So there were no dressing rooms just a single room. Kumiko told us we could only wear our underware under the Komodos. Although when we get to the hot springs we can't wear anything! Nothing, in the nude, bare body, all reveling!!! Can you say panic attack! After having a minor panic attack almost fainting in panic from knowing that we would have to be in the nude in a short while we moved on to eat. That is just what I needed to do before I went around showing everyone what the good Lord gave me! I needed to run a couple 1000 miles before I show my full moon to the world. So we walked out of the dressing room in or Komodos and the boss says eat whatever you want. The room was dim and the floors all hard wood. People were eating The inside of this spa was so neat they had a whole food court you just walk around decide what you want and charge it to your wrist band. I decided to have a soy pork ramen noodle dish with a side of fried roll. It was really good there was just way too much food and the rolls tasted like fish. And if you know me that is like tasting death!! I then got an ice cream cone made from one of their fruit no idea what it was called. I also tried some dried root, that was delicious and tofu. Or should I say toilet paper hahaha. That is what it tasted like to me. I promised my mom I would try some sea food so mother get your proud pants on because I had a 1/4 teaspoon of fried crab and GUESS WHAT I.... Still hate it! Sooooo gross. One day. After dinner we went to the hot pools grandma and I didn't want to offend the sweet lady who paid for us to go there it was so awkward grandma and I didn't want to even get in but you have to bath at an individual station you sit down at a mirror and rinse off! First of all who looks at themselves in a mirror naked or better yet bathes in front of one. We washed off as fast as we could then we found the hot pool with the most bubbles then we did the unthinkable we went skinny dipping in the hot pools. Hahaha this is my most awkward confession let's just say fastest towel to water transition ever! We sat there. For 5 min staring at the wall so we didn't have to see other people then we hurry and jumped out. We showered and then went back and got a full body massage. Oh my so amazing you that know me well know I hate being touched by other people, so getting a massage isn't the first thing I would do but this was amazing! So relaxing I fell asleep in the first 15 min. After the massage we walked over to get our foot calluses eaten by little fish but they closed before we got there. So we walked on rocks in hot water. Owwww talk about pain. After soaking our feet in the hot water we went out of the room changed then Kaleb's boss invited us to come to their house and see the view. Kaleb's boss lives on the 32nd floor of this amazing apartment complex although they own the he for a small 4 million dollars they still have to pay maintance fees of 1000 dollars a month. Insane to me because the apartment is a small 3 bedroom apartment the size of a middle-class home upstairs living area. It was beautiful marble floors and counter tops that you could see your reflection in an amazing grand piano with a million dollar view balcony. Yet, the house was small. This family was so kind and their son was so intelligent chinese, Japanese, and English were his fluent languages as well as his parents minus the English. The kindness of these individuals treating us to a relaxing spa day and then showing us to their home will never be forgotten. They were sooo generous. Let's just say my first day in Japan = success! Love ya all thanks for reading see you soon- Des
Today was a long day considering we left June 6th at 6 am and got to Japan June 7th at 5:30 pm. Losing a day was no fun. But when we got out of customs we met Kumiko (my uncles girlfriend). She told us we had to hurry because Kalebs boss was waiting for us at a spa and she was paying for all of us to go there. We had to run get our rail passes and ran to 2 trains the first took us to Tokyo station the next took us to the location for us to get a cab. We got in the cab and around 8 o'clock we got to the spa. Inside it was beautiful. We all had to take off our shoes to walk around inside so before you could step on the wood floor you had to take off your shoes. We then put our bags away and met Kaleb's boss. She is the one that owns the kindergarten that Kaleb teaches at I guess her husband and her have loads of money. In the spa they gave all of us a wrist band and that was the key that let us pay for everything we did in the spa. She told us to eat whatever and do whatever. After we received our wrist bands we then went to get a Komodo. Everyone has to wear one in the spa. They let you pick out your favorite color and wrap color. We then went to the dressing rooms. It was a rapid and shocking discovery to see that changing in front of people there was normal. So there were no dressing rooms just a single room. Kumiko told us we could only wear our underware under the Komodos. Although when we get to the hot springs we can't wear anything! Nothing, in the nude, bare body, all reveling!!! Can you say panic attack! After having a minor panic attack almost fainting in panic from knowing that we would have to be in the nude in a short while we moved on to eat. That is just what I needed to do before I went around showing everyone what the good Lord gave me! I needed to run a couple 1000 miles before I show my full moon to the world. So we walked out of the dressing room in or Komodos and the boss says eat whatever you want. The room was dim and the floors all hard wood. People were eating The inside of this spa was so neat they had a whole food court you just walk around decide what you want and charge it to your wrist band. I decided to have a soy pork ramen noodle dish with a side of fried roll. It was really good there was just way too much food and the rolls tasted like fish. And if you know me that is like tasting death!! I then got an ice cream cone made from one of their fruit no idea what it was called. I also tried some dried root, that was delicious and tofu. Or should I say toilet paper hahaha. That is what it tasted like to me. I promised my mom I would try some sea food so mother get your proud pants on because I had a 1/4 teaspoon of fried crab and GUESS WHAT I.... Still hate it! Sooooo gross. One day. After dinner we went to the hot pools grandma and I didn't want to offend the sweet lady who paid for us to go there it was so awkward grandma and I didn't want to even get in but you have to bath at an individual station you sit down at a mirror and rinse off! First of all who looks at themselves in a mirror naked or better yet bathes in front of one. We washed off as fast as we could then we found the hot pool with the most bubbles then we did the unthinkable we went skinny dipping in the hot pools. Hahaha this is my most awkward confession let's just say fastest towel to water transition ever! We sat there. For 5 min staring at the wall so we didn't have to see other people then we hurry and jumped out. We showered and then went back and got a full body massage. Oh my so amazing you that know me well know I hate being touched by other people, so getting a massage isn't the first thing I would do but this was amazing! So relaxing I fell asleep in the first 15 min. After the massage we walked over to get our foot calluses eaten by little fish but they closed before we got there. So we walked on rocks in hot water. Owwww talk about pain. After soaking our feet in the hot water we went out of the room changed then Kaleb's boss invited us to come to their house and see the view. Kaleb's boss lives on the 32nd floor of this amazing apartment complex although they own the he for a small 4 million dollars they still have to pay maintance fees of 1000 dollars a month. Insane to me because the apartment is a small 3 bedroom apartment the size of a middle-class home upstairs living area. It was beautiful marble floors and counter tops that you could see your reflection in an amazing grand piano with a million dollar view balcony. Yet, the house was small. This family was so kind and their son was so intelligent chinese, Japanese, and English were his fluent languages as well as his parents minus the English. The kindness of these individuals treating us to a relaxing spa day and then showing us to their home will never be forgotten. They were sooo generous. Let's just say my first day in Japan = success! Love ya all thanks for reading see you soon- Des
Day 1
Today was a long day considering we left June 6th at 6 am and got to Japan June 7th at 5:30 pm. Losing a day was no fun. But when we got out of customs we met Kumiko (my uncles girlfriend). She told us we had to hurry because Kalebs boss was waiting for us at a spa and she was paying for all of us to go there. We had to run get our rail passes and ran to 2 trains the first took us to Tokyo station the next took us to the location for us to get a cab. We got in the cab and around 8 o'clock we got to the spa. Inside it was beautiful. We all had to take off our shoes to walk around inside so before you could step on the wood floor you had to take off your shoes. We then put our bags away and met Kaleb's boss. She is the one that owns the kindergarten that Kaleb teaches at I guess her husband and her have loads of money. In the spa they gave all of us a wrist band and that was the key that let us pay for everything we did in the spa. She told us to eat whatever and do whatever. After we received our wrist bands we then went to get a Komodo. Everyone has to wear one in the spa. They let you pick out your favorite color and wrap color. We then went to the dressing rooms. It was a rapid and shocking discovery to see that changing in front of people there was normal. So there were no dressing rooms just a single room. Kumiko told us we could only wear our underware under the Komodos. Although when we get to the hot springs we can't wear anything! Nothing, in the nude, bare body, all reveling!!! Can you say panic attack! After having a minor panic attack almost fainting in panic from knowing that we would have to be in the nude in a short while we moved on to eat. That is just what I needed to do before I went around showing everyone what the good Lord gave me! I needed to run a couple 1000 miles before I show my full moon to the world. So we walked out of the dressing room in or Komodos and the boss says eat whatever you want. The room was dim and the floors all hard wood. People were eating The inside of this spa was so neat they had a whole food court you just walk around decide what you want and charge it to your wrist band. I decided to have a soy pork ramen noodle dish with a side of fried roll. It was really good there was just way too much food and the rolls tasted like fish. And if you know me that is like tasting death!! I then got an ice cream cone made from one of their fruit no idea what it was called. I also tried some dried root, that was delicious and tofu. Or should I say toilet paper hahaha. That is what it tasted like to me. I promised my mom I would try some sea food so mother get your proud pants on because I had a 1/4 teaspoon of fried crab and GUESS WHAT I.... Still hate it! Sooooo gross. One day. After dinner we went to the hot pools grandma and I didn't want to offend the sweet lady who paid for us to go there it was so awkward grandma and I didn't want to even get in but you have to bath at an individual station you sit down at a mirror and rinse off! First of all who looks at themselves in a mirror naked or better yet bathes in front of one. We washed off as fast as we could then we found the hot pool with the most bubbles then we did the unthinkable we went skinny dipping in the hot pools. Hahaha this is my most awkward confession let's just say fastest towel to water transition ever! We sat there. For 5 min staring at the wall so we didn't have to see other people then we hurry and jumped out. We showered and then went back and got a full body massage. Oh my so amazing you that know me well know I hate being touched by other people, so getting a massage isn't the first thing I would do but this was amazing! So relaxing I fell asleep in the first 15 min. After the massage we walked over to get our foot calluses eaten by little fish but they closed before we got there. So we walked on rocks in hot water. Owwww talk about pain. After soaking our feet in the hot water we went out of the room changed then Kaleb's boss invited us to come to their house and see the view. Kaleb's boss lives on the 32nd floor of this amazing apartment complex although they own the he for a small 4 million dollars they still have to pay maintance fees of 1000 dollars a month. Insane to me because the apartment is a small 3 bedroom apartment the size of a middle-class home upstairs living area. It was beautiful marble floors and counter tops that you could see your reflection in an amazing grand piano with a million dollar view balcony. Yet, the house was small. This family was so kind and their son was so intelligent chinese, Japanese, and English were his fluent languages as well as his parents minus the English. The kindness of these individuals treating us to a relaxing spa day and then showing us to their home will never be forgotten. They were sooo generous. Let's just say my first day in Japan = success! Love ya all thanks for reading see you soon- Des
Today was a long day considering we left June 6th at 6 am and got to Japan June 7th at 5:30 pm. Losing a day was no fun. But when we got out of customs we met Kumiko (my uncles girlfriend). She told us we had to hurry because Kalebs boss was waiting for us at a spa and she was paying for all of us to go there. We had to run get our rail passes and ran to 2 trains the first took us to Tokyo station the next took us to the location for us to get a cab. We got in the cab and around 8 o'clock we got to the spa. Inside it was beautiful. We all had to take off our shoes to walk around inside so before you could step on the wood floor you had to take off your shoes. We then put our bags away and met Kaleb's boss. She is the one that owns the kindergarten that Kaleb teaches at I guess her husband and her have loads of money. In the spa they gave all of us a wrist band and that was the key that let us pay for everything we did in the spa. She told us to eat whatever and do whatever. After we received our wrist bands we then went to get a Komodo. Everyone has to wear one in the spa. They let you pick out your favorite color and wrap color. We then went to the dressing rooms. It was a rapid and shocking discovery to see that changing in front of people there was normal. So there were no dressing rooms just a single room. Kumiko told us we could only wear our underware under the Komodos. Although when we get to the hot springs we can't wear anything! Nothing, in the nude, bare body, all reveling!!! Can you say panic attack! After having a minor panic attack almost fainting in panic from knowing that we would have to be in the nude in a short while we moved on to eat. That is just what I needed to do before I went around showing everyone what the good Lord gave me! I needed to run a couple 1000 miles before I show my full moon to the world. So we walked out of the dressing room in or Komodos and the boss says eat whatever you want. The room was dim and the floors all hard wood. People were eating The inside of this spa was so neat they had a whole food court you just walk around decide what you want and charge it to your wrist band. I decided to have a soy pork ramen noodle dish with a side of fried roll. It was really good there was just way too much food and the rolls tasted like fish. And if you know me that is like tasting death!! I then got an ice cream cone made from one of their fruit no idea what it was called. I also tried some dried root, that was delicious and tofu. Or should I say toilet paper hahaha. That is what it tasted like to me. I promised my mom I would try some sea food so mother get your proud pants on because I had a 1/4 teaspoon of fried crab and GUESS WHAT I.... Still hate it! Sooooo gross. One day. After dinner we went to the hot pools grandma and I didn't want to offend the sweet lady who paid for us to go there it was so awkward grandma and I didn't want to even get in but you have to bath at an individual station you sit down at a mirror and rinse off! First of all who looks at themselves in a mirror naked or better yet bathes in front of one. We washed off as fast as we could then we found the hot pool with the most bubbles then we did the unthinkable we went skinny dipping in the hot pools. Hahaha this is my most awkward confession let's just say fastest towel to water transition ever! We sat there. For 5 min staring at the wall so we didn't have to see other people then we hurry and jumped out. We showered and then went back and got a full body massage. Oh my so amazing you that know me well know I hate being touched by other people, so getting a massage isn't the first thing I would do but this was amazing! So relaxing I fell asleep in the first 15 min. After the massage we walked over to get our foot calluses eaten by little fish but they closed before we got there. So we walked on rocks in hot water. Owwww talk about pain. After soaking our feet in the hot water we went out of the room changed then Kaleb's boss invited us to come to their house and see the view. Kaleb's boss lives on the 32nd floor of this amazing apartment complex although they own the he for a small 4 million dollars they still have to pay maintance fees of 1000 dollars a month. Insane to me because the apartment is a small 3 bedroom apartment the size of a middle-class home upstairs living area. It was beautiful marble floors and counter tops that you could see your reflection in an amazing grand piano with a million dollar view balcony. Yet, the house was small. This family was so kind and their son was so intelligent chinese, Japanese, and English were his fluent languages as well as his parents minus the English. The kindness of these individuals treating us to a relaxing spa day and then showing us to their home will never be forgotten. They were sooo generous. Let's just say my first day in Japan = success! Love ya all thanks for reading see you soon- Des
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Holding it together
Luscious red, soft pink, astounding yellow, delicate petals. Petals containing a soft velvety texture. Aroma like no other. A flower beyond compare, a rose. Roses bring emotion, feeling, memories, and so much more. These beautiful flowers can show love, compassion, sorrow, just about every emotion out there. There is something amazing about this flower. It is so delicate and tender it holds beauty if handled wrong the flower will slowly loose it petals. The petals, the solo things that make this beauty exist Yet these flowers have their own way of protecting its beauty from the things that can destroy it. There is strength within this flower it is not within the petals, but within the stem. Strong, sharp, skin tearing, thorns. These thorns are protective barriers on the outside. They will keep those away that are not careful around them. This is a flower that builds walls around it so those who come within a close distance can't hurt it. Hurt the heart of the flower. If the person desiring the rose is careful it can cut thorns off the rose to get even closer cherish the beauty of the rose even more personally. Yet the beholder is not always as careful as the rose may want. Sometimes all the beholder wants is to see the flower than rid of it as it feels no connection to the beauty which it can not feel. The beholder will hurt the flower the flower can not be rebuilt or replanted to make the flower whole again. Then again is the beauty of the rose in the petals... Or is it within the rose bush itself. I believe that there is an outer beauty we can all see but the true beauty is within the rose bush itself. You see a rose bush is amazing in the damage that can be done to it. The beauty that we all see is cut off to make our affection complete. Yet, this rose bush keeps growing through the damage done unto it. It survives the hot weather the cold weather. It survives being cut down and grows back bigger and stronger.
This is how I feel like we need to be. I know we all have an outer beauty that people can see whether it be what we look like or how they perceive us. They will draw us in close they will use our beauty how they desire and they will use us for good or they will just use us and hurt us. Every rose cut off every wall broken down can be replaced with a new rose. It takes time but we can bring ourselves back to the beauty we contain inside of us. Sometimes we get weak and we don't think we will make it but we have to think of how much stronger we can be if we keep growing. Being cut down can make us stronger. Our cuts our scars make us beautiful. One day we will find someone to take care of our pain that others have caused. But there will always be people who will hurt us in life. But we will also hurt people and cut them. We just have to try and do better to be better people and watch out for those who we hurt. Maybe one day it will keep someone from hurting us. But for now lets just try to cut back our thorns that hurt others and only keep the ones that protect us from being hurt. Life is painful sometimes but if we dig our roots deep stay true and strong to who we are we can hold it all together. :) Live beautifully!!!!
Sunday, January 20, 2013
Healing wounds.
Today I was really impressed with church. It really stuck a light bulb in my head. The speakers talked about faith. When we feel like there is no hope we keep going because we have a hope a glimmer of faith that things can get better. We don't know they will get better but we can have faith we will. But if we don't exercise our faith we will never have hope that things can get better. We don't know how things work. The example that is often used is not all of us understand how lights work but we have faith that when we flip the switch that the light will turn on. But if we don't exercise the faith the light will remain off.
I realize that I have to exercise my faith. Especially now to me it feels like things are not going the way I want them to. Life is not what I had planned it to be at this moment. Life doesn't get easier but it does get better. I have learned through faith I know my Heavenly Father will guide me to a great plan that I can't see. I need to exercise my faith to find the light switch that he has provided for me. I know that there will be light to come. It may dim it may flicker it may burn out but if I give up I will not find it.
I have been close to giving up completely. But something always stopped me the hope that things will get better. How grateful I am for the knowledge of my Heavenly Father without it I know I would have gave up and I probably would have no hope that things can get better. Every time I have gone through struggles just the knowledge that there is a greater perfect Father in Heaven waiting for me to succeed. But if it was easy it wouldn't be life. In fact it would be kind of boring. I think trials help us to find commonality in our fellow society. There will be people with similar struggles we have to learn to seek to find ways to deal with our difficult times. I know my trials are small compared to those around me I know I will be facing tsunamis crashing trials in the future and these little waves are getting me prepared for what is to come.
I have often wondered if people are placed in our lives so we can see their trials and learn from them. I know we were placed in life without a mistake.
I feel like I am weak. I have been hurt. The pain is temporary yet it is real. I know it I have felt it I am living it. I have been trying to hide it but I can't. This blog is me releasing the frustration which is pounding to get out of me. I am not trying to complain because I know this is one of many trying times that will crack my heart make my tummy spin and make my appetite light.I know with time things will get easier but for now I have to bear this painful little speed bump. I know there is a lesson to learn from this. I don't know what it is yet but I faith I will learn if I keep persisting forward. Right now I will bear my pain inside and with these words but I will try to look forward and move on. I have no idea where this will lead me but I am preparing myself to move forward. Because like one of my favorite quotes states. "When one door of happiness closes another one is opened for us, but sometimes we look so long the other way that we do not see the door that has been opened for us." I will go forward.
My lovely friend Lisa gave me a beautiful spreading joy card to let me know that she is always there. This is the quote she left for me.
"Sometimes the strongest people are people who love beyond all faults, cry behind closed doors and fight battles nobody knows about."
The quote we always write to each other is "you is kind, you is smart, you is important"
I know she was placed in my life to help me through thick and thin and I am so grateful for the other people the Lord has so kindly let come into my life to better improve it. I know I will have people who will make my life difficult and not pleasant but I know I will have to be careful of who I let break down my walls so I can protect myself and protect those around me but I have to find a good happy medium so I don't keep those people out that can better my day.
The quote I came up with in church today "Tender skin cut with diamonds,washed away with salty rain. Slowly time heals the physical pain. Scars remind you of what was and how strong you CAN be."
Life gets better but it does not get easier. <3
I realize that I have to exercise my faith. Especially now to me it feels like things are not going the way I want them to. Life is not what I had planned it to be at this moment. Life doesn't get easier but it does get better. I have learned through faith I know my Heavenly Father will guide me to a great plan that I can't see. I need to exercise my faith to find the light switch that he has provided for me. I know that there will be light to come. It may dim it may flicker it may burn out but if I give up I will not find it.
I have been close to giving up completely. But something always stopped me the hope that things will get better. How grateful I am for the knowledge of my Heavenly Father without it I know I would have gave up and I probably would have no hope that things can get better. Every time I have gone through struggles just the knowledge that there is a greater perfect Father in Heaven waiting for me to succeed. But if it was easy it wouldn't be life. In fact it would be kind of boring. I think trials help us to find commonality in our fellow society. There will be people with similar struggles we have to learn to seek to find ways to deal with our difficult times. I know my trials are small compared to those around me I know I will be facing tsunamis crashing trials in the future and these little waves are getting me prepared for what is to come.
I have often wondered if people are placed in our lives so we can see their trials and learn from them. I know we were placed in life without a mistake.
I feel like I am weak. I have been hurt. The pain is temporary yet it is real. I know it I have felt it I am living it. I have been trying to hide it but I can't. This blog is me releasing the frustration which is pounding to get out of me. I am not trying to complain because I know this is one of many trying times that will crack my heart make my tummy spin and make my appetite light.I know with time things will get easier but for now I have to bear this painful little speed bump. I know there is a lesson to learn from this. I don't know what it is yet but I faith I will learn if I keep persisting forward. Right now I will bear my pain inside and with these words but I will try to look forward and move on. I have no idea where this will lead me but I am preparing myself to move forward. Because like one of my favorite quotes states. "When one door of happiness closes another one is opened for us, but sometimes we look so long the other way that we do not see the door that has been opened for us." I will go forward.
My lovely friend Lisa gave me a beautiful spreading joy card to let me know that she is always there. This is the quote she left for me.
"Sometimes the strongest people are people who love beyond all faults, cry behind closed doors and fight battles nobody knows about."
The quote we always write to each other is "you is kind, you is smart, you is important"
I know she was placed in my life to help me through thick and thin and I am so grateful for the other people the Lord has so kindly let come into my life to better improve it. I know I will have people who will make my life difficult and not pleasant but I know I will have to be careful of who I let break down my walls so I can protect myself and protect those around me but I have to find a good happy medium so I don't keep those people out that can better my day.
The quote I came up with in church today "Tender skin cut with diamonds,washed away with salty rain. Slowly time heals the physical pain. Scars remind you of what was and how strong you CAN be."
Life gets better but it does not get easier. <3
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Trying times coming ashore
It is amazing to me the human need for love for finding someone that we can completely be ourselves around without a worry or care in the world. It amazes me how on this journey we will completely give up everything forget those around us and become defensive to keep what we want to work. Although if it is real we shouldn't have to put our defenses up. We should never have to question if the one we love loves us, if not equally, more. We will put ourselves out there let them tear down our brick walls to climb over. It is when we open ourselves up let others in and then get hurt by them we build our walls thicker and stronger. Using more mortar to keep our walls together so we will not get hurt the next time. Yet, we do over and over and over again. Because once something has been broken it is hard to piece it back together the more it breaks the harder it is to put back together.
We should never feel like a piece of worthless prey. As the hawk looks for the best prize choosing which snake is the best. A bad hawk will look for the snakes put them in a pile search for the one he thinks is the best and let the others suffer as they die from the wounds that the talons cut into them. They will be hurt and give up. A good hawk will keep its eyes open looking for what he thinks is the best prey he will choose his pray wisely and get what he wants fight for what he wants and choose his prey with good intentions of feeding his soul. The difference is one wastes and the other one selectively chooses even if it means fighting for what he wants.
Every single person deserves to find that person that will knock down buildings, jump over fences, kick down doors just to be with you. There is a point when you have to realize what the difference between lust, liking physical attraction, and true love is. Sometimes we will be hurt in the process but we have to know what it is like to be hurt so we can know what it is like to be healed.
I personally do not know if one can ever truely take away that pain and those cracks but I can imagine someone can mend them and make them feel better and fill in the pain with the love they will devote to you. The pain is there to help you grow and learn. The road getting to this point is not fun. It is not a smooth road it has bumps, turns, potholes, ice, roundabouts, stop signs, yield signs, and loop de loops. The memories are not what maters but the journey getting to there is.
I believe when you can totally submerge yourself into getting to know someone have them know your vulnerabilities, your fears, your deepest secrets and know for a fact that no judgement will be forced upon you because you are all that matters is that moment when you should realize you are loved. I have never been healed with someones love. I hope one day it will happen but I know for a fact that good things will come if I am patient and hold out for someone who wants to be with me and can't live without me.
Another thing I have learned. Is you will never know someones pain unless you have experienced something similar. We can go through saying I am sorry but until we have been there all we can be is a sympathizer. Even then we can not make the experiences go away we can't make the pain go away because that is their choice to decide what they want to do from their they have a fork in the road and they have to decide which way to take. Either a dark way or a positive way. Sometimes it may feel like we are in a dark small space with no cracks of hope but we may be looking in the wrong direction. Or thinking there is no hope for us. But I believe the latter to be false. I believe there is always hope always a better way because learning from our small trials can help us overcome great trials. Because we will learn that small bumps in the road can help prepare us for those holes in the road. It can help us to grow, expand, and help others to understand that you have been there too. That their road is not to different from yours.
I know we are given choices and experiences to help us to determine what type of people we want to become. I know that we have been given these choices ever since we were wee lil lads. I know that who we are today is who we are because we made these choices. I know I have personally not made the best choices. I have had to learn from my mistakes and I have had to learn from the trials I face on a day to day basis. I am not perfect I am learning. I have pain, heartache, happiness, but I know that this is all creating me to be a better, stronger, happier me.
I hope people can realize when times get rough its not the end it may seem like it but its not. Good things are about to come ashore. Unless we are choosing bad roads on purpose. make the best choices you can and know good things will come from it. We are human we make mistakes but learning from them is what makes us better.
We should never feel like a piece of worthless prey. As the hawk looks for the best prize choosing which snake is the best. A bad hawk will look for the snakes put them in a pile search for the one he thinks is the best and let the others suffer as they die from the wounds that the talons cut into them. They will be hurt and give up. A good hawk will keep its eyes open looking for what he thinks is the best prey he will choose his pray wisely and get what he wants fight for what he wants and choose his prey with good intentions of feeding his soul. The difference is one wastes and the other one selectively chooses even if it means fighting for what he wants.
Every single person deserves to find that person that will knock down buildings, jump over fences, kick down doors just to be with you. There is a point when you have to realize what the difference between lust, liking physical attraction, and true love is. Sometimes we will be hurt in the process but we have to know what it is like to be hurt so we can know what it is like to be healed.
I personally do not know if one can ever truely take away that pain and those cracks but I can imagine someone can mend them and make them feel better and fill in the pain with the love they will devote to you. The pain is there to help you grow and learn. The road getting to this point is not fun. It is not a smooth road it has bumps, turns, potholes, ice, roundabouts, stop signs, yield signs, and loop de loops. The memories are not what maters but the journey getting to there is.
I believe when you can totally submerge yourself into getting to know someone have them know your vulnerabilities, your fears, your deepest secrets and know for a fact that no judgement will be forced upon you because you are all that matters is that moment when you should realize you are loved. I have never been healed with someones love. I hope one day it will happen but I know for a fact that good things will come if I am patient and hold out for someone who wants to be with me and can't live without me.
Another thing I have learned. Is you will never know someones pain unless you have experienced something similar. We can go through saying I am sorry but until we have been there all we can be is a sympathizer. Even then we can not make the experiences go away we can't make the pain go away because that is their choice to decide what they want to do from their they have a fork in the road and they have to decide which way to take. Either a dark way or a positive way. Sometimes it may feel like we are in a dark small space with no cracks of hope but we may be looking in the wrong direction. Or thinking there is no hope for us. But I believe the latter to be false. I believe there is always hope always a better way because learning from our small trials can help us overcome great trials. Because we will learn that small bumps in the road can help prepare us for those holes in the road. It can help us to grow, expand, and help others to understand that you have been there too. That their road is not to different from yours.
I know we are given choices and experiences to help us to determine what type of people we want to become. I know that we have been given these choices ever since we were wee lil lads. I know that who we are today is who we are because we made these choices. I know I have personally not made the best choices. I have had to learn from my mistakes and I have had to learn from the trials I face on a day to day basis. I am not perfect I am learning. I have pain, heartache, happiness, but I know that this is all creating me to be a better, stronger, happier me.
I hope people can realize when times get rough its not the end it may seem like it but its not. Good things are about to come ashore. Unless we are choosing bad roads on purpose. make the best choices you can and know good things will come from it. We are human we make mistakes but learning from them is what makes us better.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)